"But Nothing"

"I know God's timing is perfect, but..."  

I've said those words to at least 4 different people in the last 2 days, knowing all the while that the truth is, "God's timing is perfect, period."   But, oh, sometimes it just doesn't make sense to my finite, feeble little human brain. 

Frustration had been brewing for a while, and it began to set in deeply yesterday.  Frustration with a new situation in our lives...one which none of us anticipated and which we certainly wouldn't have chosen.  We've definitely experienced worse, and God continues to faithfully carry us through the aftermath of that, but once again, we are on a path we never envisioned.  

On top of that, frustration fairly well exploded yesterday regarding a particular person...a doctor who didn't take things seriously enough, who just quite frankly and completely dropped. the. ball.  In a big way.  Because of that, we've lost 3 months time in getting a diagnosis, and more importantly, beginning treatment.  Treatment which more than likely won't be a simple matter of "Here's the script, take these three times a day," but which will more than likely involve a long period of trial, error, and adjustment.  Trial, error, and adjustment that are not going to be remotely pleasant for our child, or the rest of the family, in all likelihood.   As the reality of what we are facing began to sink in, Momma Bear's claws began to pop out.   

"I know God's timing is perfect, but really, it is inexcusable that the lack of attention and concern on the part of that doctor has lost us 3 months in this process.  We could have had the meds regulated by now, or at least been closer than we are.  I would much rather have dealt with that part in January than right now...right now, when we are right around the corner from yearly homeschool testing, our long-anticipated little vacation, and then camp and VBS.  We don't have time to be regulating meds right now!"

That was my rant yesterday to the poor dear friends who are so patient with me, and to my poor, long-suffering husband, in one of those ever-increasing instances recently where we seem to have switched roles...as he tells me I have lived with him too long and am becoming "more Italian" all the time. :)

Earlier this week, in a completely different context, God had brought Fanny Crosby to my mind.  He had reminded me again of her story, and the way God had used it in my life and the lives of my children in the past.  This morning, He brought a particular part of that story to mind again...the part where Fanny refuses to be bitter about the doctor (who later turned out not to even be a qualified physician) whose blatant malpractice caused her to lose her eyesight at the age of 6 weeks.  When others expressed pity over what they saw as a tragedy, Fanny replied, "Do you know that if at birth I had been able to make one petition, it would have been that I was born blind?  Because when I get to heaven, the first face that shall ever gladden my sight will be that of my Savior."

At that reminder this morning, I prayed, "Father, I don't know what the purpose is behind this delay...it seems horrible timing from my perspective, but I know your timing IS perfect...please help me to trust that from this point on...You are God, and I am not...help me trust your plan when I don't understand."  

Later this morning, during the Palm Sunday worship service, I was struck by the "perfect timing" of so many reminders God kept sending of His amazing love.  Our Sunday School lesson, the hymns and choir special, Katie's wonderful offertory arrangement of "Our God is an Awesome God"...one reminder after another that God's love for us is more than we can begin to fathom.  He reminded me once again that His love for my children is much greater even than mine!  He reminded me over and over that if He loved us enough to plan before the foundation of the earth to send His only Son to earth for me, for Billy, for our children...then surely He is not going to leave us or forsake us in this big-to-us but small-to-Him storm.  He reminded me again and again that Jesus was willingly tortured, and crucified, and worst of all, abandoned by the Father as He took the sins of the world on Himself...all before being gloriously resurrected on that incredible Sunday morning.  As our Sunday School lesson stressed, He CHOSE to do that.  And He has promised to keep us, to carry us in the palm of His hand, close to His heart, as He has reminded me so often lately.  

And then this afternoon, I was scrolling through my blog reader and came upon this post by a friend.  Like a 2x4 to the side of the head...only somewhat gentler...it reminded me of one of the key lessons (about which I've blogged more than once) of the last few years...

Bow the knee;
Trust the heart of your Father when the answer goes beyond what you can see.
Bow the knee; 
Lift your eyes toward Heaven and believe the One who holds eternity.
And when you don't understand the purpose of His plan,
In the presence of the King,
Bow the knee.
~ Chris Machen and Mike Harland

When I don't understand, when it doesn't make sense, my first response is to be worship. Bow the knee...Submit to the Father who knows all and sees all and who knows so much, mubh better than I do what is best for us. 

I don't know all the reasons why we've experienced this three month delay in beginning to get some answers.  But I do know that I needed the exact songs that we sang today...the songs about the Cross for this Palm Sunday; I needed the Sunday School lesson that I taught this morning...again, specially timed for Palm Sunday; I needed to focus on the words to "Our God is an Awesome God" as Katie played this morning. (And I found out after church that she'd been planning to play that piece for weeks, but it hadn't worked out until today.  God truly works in every single detail!)  

And I do know this:

His timing is perfect...

But nothing. 

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father." ~ Matthew 10:29

"Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." ~ Matthew 10:31
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Marsha @Spots and Wrinkles said...

Yes, His timing is perfect. It is our understanding that is imperfect.

Fortunately, He has great patience with us.
Blessings to you and prayers for your child. - Marsha

Jennifer said...

Oh, so true, Marsha, about our understanding being imperfect! I'm so very thankful for his patience and mercy, though. Thank you for your prayers!