Messy and Hard {Pondered Pages}

I love this quote from Paul David Tripp:

Yes, your life is messy and hard, but that's not a failure of God's plan--it is His plan. God is working to complete what He's begun in you.

It comes from Philippians 1:6:

Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.
 

So often, we spin our wheels waiting for the current trial to end to get back to "real life", to "normal". The truth is that the messy, hard parts are real life. They are normal. They are God's work in our life to make us who He wants us to be. 

 For more, see The Detour is Actually the Road.  

Supplies used: Freezer paper, patterned paper, various letter stickers, Pilot G-2 pen. 

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  Welcome to Ponderings of an Elect Exile!   Whether you are new here or a faithful friend and regular reader, I'm glad you're here!   If you aren't already following, I'd love to have you join us for the 2015 Ponderings.  It's easy to do, in a variety of ways!   You can follow via  Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest, or  find me on Instagram as Jenbh68. You can also sign up in the sidebar to receive new posts by email.

7 Truths On Which to Dwell on the Hard Days {And Every Day}

This is always a hard day for me. The story behind that is not entirely mine to tell, and therefore I'll leave it at that. These thoughts are pulled from something I wrote several years ago on this date which had far too many details for general publication. This year as I was re-reading it, I decided to pull out the important parts and redesign them into something post-able, leaving out the more personal bits that don't need to be shared.

There are many memories associated with this day...memories that used to be good, but that now bring  a grapefruit-sized lump in the throat, a dagger-like sensation in the chest, and a frantic feeling of needing oxygen upon the slightest attempt to remember.

A wise older man once said to a friend of mine, “There are things worse than death.”  I think of that this morning as I sit wishing that the good memories weren’t tainted with such horrible, horrible stains, like photos that have mildewed under a leaky roof.

Things worse than death indeed.

This day always brings up questions...lots of questions. Questions that, if I let them, could send me into a lasting catatonic state. 

They flit into my head and I have to immediately shuttle them back out. I cannot dwell on any of them. Like another recent tragedy that has hit very close to home, I know there are no answers, and that there will never be this side of Heaven. Therefore, the questions must not be allowed to invade.  The truths I must dwell on, today and always, are these:

*God knew every jot and tittle of every circumstance that has occurred before any of it came to be. In fact, He knew this before the foundation of the world!

*God is not taken by surprise…not one iota…by any of the circumstances that shock us and send us reeling. 

*God loves our children even more than we do, and He has a plan for them…a plan for good and not for evil, a plan to give them a future and a hope. (Jer. 29:11)

*God loves those who have done evil to us. Their sin is not past being forgiven. They are no more and no less sinners than I am, or than any other person on earth, alive or dead. We are all sinners.  Our sin...all sin...is heinous…even though some may not appear as heinous as others. The difference is, we have experienced His grace and mercy, and been transformed into new creatures...not because of anything we have done, or any good in us, but because of His work in us.

*God is sovereign. God is good. God has already triumphed over evil. And He tells us in His Word that He carries us in the palm of His hand. He never left any of us for one minute during the worst of the dark days. He promises us that in His Word…that He will never leave us or forsake us. 

*He has kept our tears in a bottle! (Psalm 56:8) He cares for our pain! And one day, He will wipe away all tears from our eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain. (Rev. 21:4) What a tremendous thought for those who belong to Him.

*My responsibility now? To worship and obey. To be the wife and mother God has called me to be. To be ready and willing to share Him at any opportunity. The words to the chorus we’ve sung so often this year flood my mind again this morning. When I don’t understand, my response should be worship. The things I don’t understand…the unanswered questions that are always just below the surface…these are constant reminders of His greatness, and my weakness. His ways are higher than our ways. He is holy, and sovereign, and all-powerful, and all-wise, and I am not.  He sees the past, present, and future clearly, and orchestrates it all in His power, while we see through a glass dimly. 

Worship, obey, believe, and press on. 

“Bow the knee.  Trust the heart of your Father when the answer goes beyond what you can see.  Bow the knee.  Lift your eyes toward Heaven and believe the One who holds eternity.  And when you don’t understand, the purpose of His plan, In the presence of the King, Bow the knee.”

~Chris Machen

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3: 13-14

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If a post or posts on Ponderings of an Elect Exile has been a blessing to you, would you do me a huge favor?  Please share the link to Ponderings with your friends using the social media share buttons below or the "pin it" button above.  Thank you!  

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Welcome to Ponderings of an Elect Exile!  Whether you are new here or a faithful friend and regular reader, I'm glad you're here!  If you aren't already following, I'd love to have you join us for the 2014 Ponderings.  It's easy to do, in a variety of ways!  You can follow via  Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest, or  find me on Instagram as Jenbh68. You can also sign up in the sidebar to receive new posts by email. 

25 Years...

(Note:  I started this post Saturday night when the reunion was actually happening.  As often happens, most of the post sat in draft the rest of the weekend as life got a bit busy. :)  I'm leaving the part written Saturday "as is" rather than changing tense, etc.  Today's additions are in green. :))

There's nothing to make you feel old quite like your 25th high school reunion.  Mine is going on this weekend in Conway.   I didn't technically graduate from CHS, due to having started homeschooling at the beginning of my junior year, but the CHS class of 1987 is the closest thing to a high school graduating class I have.  (There was no such thing as a homeschool graduation in those days, at least in our circle!)

When I first saw the date for the reunion, my thought was "Well, THAT won't work!"  Mid-August is crazy around here, with girls with birthdays 6 days apart.  Would I have gone if it hadn't been Birthday Week?  Who knows. :)  

Has it seriously been 25 years??  Gracious.  Let's see...25 years ago, I think I was working at Fu Lin?  And maybe about to start working at TableGrace?  Daddy was working in MO, and we had been trying to sell the house in Conway for almost a year.  We were still living there, and Daddy was driving to MO early on Monday mornings and coming home late on Friday nights.  We were helping start a new church...one of the great experiences of my young adult life. :)  I had just turned down a National Merit Scholarship to go to school in OK, and was instead about to begin classes at the school I'd said I would NEVER attend...UCA (an early lesson in "never say never"!)

I'd turned down the Merit Scholarship because things had gotten crazy in our family and I didn't feel like I could go that far away to school.  With Mother and Daddy's situation up in the air and my grandparents needing attention, I needed to stay close to home.  So...I would live at home, go to UCA, and make frequent trips to Fort Smith.  My plan was that after I got my undergrad degree in Psychology, I'd go straight to grad school and specialize in gerontology.   I planned to someday get married, have children, and homeschool.  I also planned to live in Conway forever and raise my family at Woodland Heights.  

It seems like class reunion time is often a time when people compare their past, their plans, and their present reality.  I found myself doing a bit of that this afternoon when I remembered this was reunion weekend.  At the time, we were out shopping with Bayley for her birthday.  I couldn't help but reflect a bit on my plans 25 years ago vs. life now.  Funny how those high school graduate plans don't always mesh with real life!


Grad school didn't happen.  A career in child protective services (which was the LAST thing I ever expected to do) did.   I did get married, although I certainly never expected to marry someone I met in court and spent my first date with in the ER!  We do have children...four of them...and we do homeschool...although almost none of the details of having children, raising children, or homeschooling have gone according to those long-ago "plans"!  Staying in Conway didn't happen.  I've lived in Fort Smith for 20 years this month!  (And I really can't imagine living anywhere else now.)  And I've had three church homes now since Woodland Heights.  


When I moved here, I joined Grand Avenue...that was where my grandmother was, and she was beginning to have more trouble getting around.  I loved my years at Grand...going to church with my grandmother, singing in choir with people who'd grown up with my parents, and building relationships with some really special people.  


But Billy and I knew that that was not the place for us to raise our family, so we began visiting other churches during our engagement.  We visited, and visited, and visited some more.  We still hadn't found a church when we discovered a couple of months after our wedding that my parents were moving to Fort Smith.  Suddenly we were looking for a church for the whole family!  Just when we were about to give up, a friend of my parents in Conway mentioned a church she had heard of through her parents...who didn't attend there, but who had heard that "one of the staff members homeschools".  

After our first visit, I called Mother and Daddy and said, "I think we've found  a church."  Sure enough, we had.  Oak Cliff has been home and family to us for 16 years.   I cannot even describe how God has used Bro. Kent, Lyndel, Bro. Phil, and Andy to work in our lives over the years.  It would take a book to tell what they and our Oak Cliff family have meant to us.  They've been through a lot with us!   And we with them.  I decided years ago I planned to be there for the rest of my life. :) 

But again, God's plans are not ours, and as of a week and a day ago, we are members of  the sweetest little country church ever and loving every minute of it!  (Well, every minute but the few seconds that seemed like an eternity at the end of my offertory Sunday morning when I couldn't find a right note to save my life, and then the moments I spent feeling like a total doofus because  I simply could not figure out what should have been a relatively simple task for our pastor this week.  Those weren't on the "most-loved minutes" list.  But we're loving all the rest of them! :))   It's been one of those unexpected turns in the road that turns out to be a huge blessing and delight.  We're on the edge of our seats to see what God is going to do from here!


There have been lots of other things along the way that didn't exactly jive with those early "plans".  Unexpected job and health issues over the years.  My dad's sharply declining health over the last five years of his life, and his death from cancer almost 8 years ago.   The birth of our 30-week preemie and her six weeks in NICU.  The crimes perpetrated against two of our children.  An epilepsy diagnosis.  And even still living in this ramshackle little house many years after we had planned to redo and sell it. ;-)   Those are the things you don't write on your "plans for the future" list as a high school senior.  


And yet, God has reminded me over and over this weekend that His plans are always best.  Always.  No matter how traumatic or shocking or just downright crazy they may appear at first to us.  The verses that God kept bringing to mind this weekend...even before I realized it was "reunion weekend"...were these:

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  ~Philippians 4:11-13

This whole last week has been a microcosm of the last 8 years, in a way.  We've experienced some great sadness and loss, and we've experienced some knock-your-socks-right-off-your-feet blessings.  I've had some days where I've struggled massively with anxiety and some days when it just seemed like my heart couldn't hold one more ounce of joy.  Health issues have flared one day and been unusually invisible the next.  There have been days when I've fought tears almost every waking moment, and days when I've laughed so hard my sides and my face hurt.  


Through it all, though, there's been a constant theme...a realization that God has truly given contentment in all things.  Through all the challenges, through all the joys,  I've stopped so many times this week and just breathed one of those big huge deep sighs of contentment.  I have no idea what God has planned for us from here.  I have no doubt that there will be high mountaintops and deep valleys along the way.  I have hopes, and prayers, and dreams, and even some plans...but I am well aware that just as those "25 years ago" plans were far from reality, today's plans may be as well.  


What an amazing blessing to realize that not only has God known every detail of every yesterday and every tomorrow from before the foundation of the world, He actually planned it all, and He has promised that every bit is for His glory and for our good.  

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!“For who has known the mind of the Lord,    or who has been his counselor?”“Or who has given a gift to him    that he might be repaid?”For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. ~Romans 11:33-36

 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. ~ Romans 8:28