[This started out as a Facebook update, but it got even longer than my occasionally really long FB statuses and I decided perhaps it should be a blog post instead. It's not polished, or edited, or written remotely well. This one's all about the content. :)]
Warning--this is long. Y'all know being concise is not exactly my thing to begin with, and the tireder I am, the less able I am to condense. Sorry about that, but please hang in to the end, okay? :) )
I am utterly exhausted and not sure I can even write coherently, but I have to follow up on this morning's post about rejoicing in the day the Lord has made regardless of how hard it is. Today we had a fellowship planned at church. Bay had requested a while back to plan one, and she had been SO excited about doing this today.
Then last night she had sleep issues. She woke up sometime around 3 (I think) and then called me about 4. When she wasn't back to sleep by 6, I realized there was no way she was going to be able to get to church this morning. I began to devise plan B, which was for Billy to stay home with her while I went to play the piano for the morning service, then I would leave during the sermon to come home and pick them up and take them back to church in time for lunch and the afternoon service. It wasn't an ideal plan in any way, but at least she would get there for some of the day.
When she wasn't asleep by 7:45, I began to realize that more than likely she wouldn't be able to go at all. Even to leave the house by 11:45, she would have to be awake by 9:45, There was just no way, with the way her sleep has to work to prevent seizures, that that could possibly happen.
I cried this morning. A lot. We had just had a conversation yesterday about the fact that this has been "The Summer of Disappointment" for Bay. She has never been hit with so many things in such a short time that she has either had to miss completely or sit on the sidelines and watch. She always has a great attitude about it, but it's hard.
I had said elsewhere this morning, "She is clinging to Jesus, and working to choose joy, but it still just HURTS, even in that. I have said over and over this week even that I am so thankful for the growth God is working in her life and the ways He is drawing her closer and closer to Him through all the painful stuff. But I just want her to have a little break sometimes and be able to just enjoy something like a simple fellowship..."
My heart was breaking, but God keeps reminding me, over and over about trusting, obeying, and rejoicing. So I just kept praying, "God, I don't understand this, and I just can't even face the thought of this child being hurt one. more. time. right now, but I know you love her more than I do, and I know you know better than I do, and I know you are working for our good and your glory, and I WILL rejoice, even if I'm sobbing at the same time." I sang the little chorus, "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it" over and over through quivering lips.
Somewhere around 9, I went in to get the other girls up. I was quietly telling them Plan C for the morning when Bay rolled over and said, "I think I can go." I said, "You think you can be ready if I come back and get you and Daddy at 11:45?" To which she replied, "no, I think I can be ready and just go to church."
At that point, I have to admit, my thought was, "there is no way she is going to be able to get up and get ready for church that soon without having a seizure. We're going to end up ending our 3 years seizure free right here this morning." But I said, "Well, okay, just please don't push it."
By 10:20, we were in the van on the way to church. Bay was tired but fine. I got in the van thanking God for a true mini-miracle. I've thanked Him over and over again all day.
There will be more disappointments--for all my kids. Watching my children deal with disappointment is one of my very top least favorite things in the whole world. I hate it. I always have, long before disappointment became such a frequent and unwelcome part of life for one of them thanks to epilepsy.
Choosing to rejoice is not a magic bullet. "Rejoice in the Lord and He'll fix your problem" is not in the Bible. There are lots of times when we rejoice through tears. There are lots of times when it takes us a good long time to get to the point of rejoicing (especially this mama!) He is gracious and merciful to send reminders of His faithfulness, goodness, and love over and over to remind us to rejoice.
There were lots of prayers for Bay to be able to make this thing this morning~this thing that would seem in some ways to be not a big deal, but that today just was. God could have chosen to say, "Not today." And if He had, He would still have been good. He would still have been faithful. And hopefully, we would have continued to choose joy in the hard.
But today, His plan was yes. Today He gave us another lived reminder that He is all-powerful, even over the complications of the human brain that even the most brilliant don't completely understand. Today He reminded us again that He cares about the little things.
Bro. Gary reminded us again this morning that our purpose on earth is to glorify God. Through the craziness of the last decade, He has given that as our greatest hearts' desire. Through the devastating, through the wonderful, that He would get glory through the story He is weaving in our lives and in our family.
We don't always do well with that. There are days I just flop miserably in that regard. The pity party beckons, and I eagerly accept the invitation to wallow and worry.
But prayerfully those days will continue to get fewer and farther between as He Who began a good work in us is faithful to complete it. And we will continue to share His faithfulness, in the little things and the big things, for His glory and in hopes that it will encourage others.
Today, from beginning to end, is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.