Once again, my body and brain knew what my memory hadn't caught up to yet---I saw this post in my FB memories this morning and so much about my emotional and physical issues yesterday and today suddenly made sense, again.
10 years since Bay's first known tonic-clonic seizure. This is long, but all still true. So very much hard I would take away in a heartbeat if I could--these last few weeks especially--but oh, the goodness and faithfulness and great grace and mercy of our God!!❤ ❤ So thankful, still and always. ♥ ♥
Here's last year's post (and yes, I know my quotation marks are all messed up. I don't have time or energy or brainpower to fix them this morning 😳) :
"Nine years ago today.
"I realized long ago that our bodies & brains keep up with trauma anniversaries even when our conscious minds don't. We've seen that over & over & I've done some interesting reading over the years about the ways trauma affects our bodies & brains. I was just reading this week about research now that indicates trauma can actually alter our DNA. 😲 I am fascinated that in so many ways, even the greatest scientists can't understand or explain everything about the workings of our brains and bodies. The ways of our Creator are truly higher than our ways, & past our finding out. ♥ (Isaiah 55:8-9; Romans 11:33)
"As I was scrolling through my FB memories this morning, so much about the last few days and particularly last night and this morning, made sense. I saw this post:
'Update for all who were involved in the excitement at the Acteen sleepover this morning...Bayley seems to be fine. We went by Billy's work and they did a little more in-depth checking, and everything looks normal. We're supposed to watch her for 24 hours, but hopefully it was just lack of sleep...which she is catching up on even as we speak! :) Huge thanks to everyone for the help, concern, and prayers this morning.'
"We didn't know it then, but that" excitement" was Bay's first known tonic-clonic seizure, & that morning would become one of "those" days--the ones where you wake up in the morning thinking it's just another day, not realizing that the whole course of your life is about to change.
"Looking back at that status, thinking back to that day--it seems like another lifetime. Bayley had spent the night at the Acteen sleepover, I had just gotten a shower in preparation to go pick her up, & at just about this time in the morning, my phone rang, and it was Lyndel, saying "Valerie just tried to call you, let me let you talk to her."
"The rest of the story of that morning is here---> Even if Not and a Blurry Pair of Socks in the blog post that now in itself seems surreal, as it was written just as the unexplainable downhill slide was beginning that has brought us to points we could never have imagined.
"We could never have imagined that the girl we called our "Energizer Bunny" & laughed that she had two speeds:full speed ahead & sound asleep, our active, athletic, outdoor-loving girl, would spend 90% of her time too weak to walk downstairs.
"We could never have imagined that the girl who was known for her love of food would get to the point that one of our biggest challenges would be getting enough calories in for survival.
" We could never have imagined that the girl who was the most talkative of all our talkative children would have days when she didn't have the strength to speak at all.
" We could never have imagined that our girl who loved people so much would go weeks at a time without seeing or talking to anyone outside our family.
" We could never have imagined one of our greatest blessings being the provision of a wheelchair.
"So much more we could never have imagined that I can't even type, because it's just too hard & brings back too many bittersweet memories.
" But there are other things we could never have imagined, too:
"Precious conversations Bay & I have had in the wee hours of the morning when she hasn't been able to sleep.
" Laughter in the humor our kids have found & created in the midst of the yuck of epilepsy.
"So many ways that sweet friends have blessed & encouraged, & a community of prayer warriors who lift us to the Father so faithfully.
" The precious-to-my-mama-heart ways that her siblings care for her, help keep things going here, & minister to my heart.
" The beautiful ways that Bay is able to minister from her bed & chair in the midst of pain, weakness, & heartache, & the prayer warrior she has become.
" The joy in those times when she is able to be up, out, & involved. Those times are so precious now!
" The ways God has worked in her life & all our lives through her health struggles - - the ways He has made His Word even more real and precious - - the ways He has shown us more of HIMSELF through it all.
" And so much more that I just can't type right now. ♥
" If I had had my way, we'd never have gone down this road. If I had had my way she sure wouldn't have had the decline of the last few years. And--total honesty here? In this last year, which has been the worst & hardest ever (for reasons that have almost nothing to do with the things for which 2020 will go down in history), if I had had the power, I would have stopped it. I would have made her better. I would have taken away the pain, the weakness, the neurological issues, the eating and sleep & waking issues, all of it. In a heartbeat. Pretty much every day.
"But to quote a blog post I wrote years ago, "I'm thankful I'm not queen of the world." We are praying & hoping that 2021 may be the year we get answers, & treatment, & improvement. Oh, how much I hope and pray for that! But I know that it may not be. And my prayer even more than that is that God will help us to be steadfast. That He will help us run the race well. That He will help us press on toward the mark of the high calling of the Lord Jesus. That He will give us boldness & grace & opportunity to share the Gospel. That His love & grace & truth will shine. That He will never, ever let us lose sight of & faith in the fact that whatever He does--WHATEVER He does--is good. That He will help us keep clinging to the truth that it is for our good, for those who are His, and for His glory. That our greatest desire will truly be that His will be done, even if it's not what we would choose. That we can truly say with Paul, "I am content in weakness, insults, persecutions, hardships, and calamities."
""Yet will I praise Him!" He is sovereign. He is sufficient. He is faithful. He is our hope, & our peace. He is good, always& in all things. So very, very thankful that He Is." ♥ ♥ ♥
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