A Bit of a Ramble...Part 2

Part 1 (read here) ended with this outline (of sorts) of what was to come in Part 2..."But the book is only the beginning.  It is followed by a deep, dark night, a "happened-upon" blog post on the theme word broken ~ Why God Made a Breakable World , a Sunday morning song (or two :)), and a sermon...our weekly "digging in" to a few verses from Romans, which landed us this week in Romans 8:20-22...about the brokenness and restoration ~ remaking ~ not only of the created being, but of creation itself."   On to "the rest of the story" now...

Ann's book (One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are ), and the encouragement that came along with it, were Saturday afternoon.  Saturday night the freight train hit.  At least it felt that way!  Saturday night brought increased pain and decreased mobility, and not one, but TWO girls in our bed with night terrors.  I woke up feeling as though we had entered a time warp...that we had gone back to a time I desperately did NOT want to repeat that included both debilitating pain and sleepless nights comforting terrified children.   I finally got up, shuffled in to my desk, put my head in my hands, and said to myself, to the empty room, and to God (although not nearly so clearly or nicely), "I can't do this again!!"   Wasn't there a commercial at some point that said, "Haven't got time for the pain"?  That kept  running through my head as I looked around my house at the major projects that need to be done by spring, as I look over long-term homeschooling plans for four children, as I put menus on paper that require a great deal of "scratch cooking" due to our renewed commitment to be both frugal and healthy.   And the night terrors...well, it just goes without saying that it is not okay with me for my sweet girls' sleep to be interrupted in such a traumatic way.   I was feeling very broken...completely crumpled, as a matter of fact.

I decided I needed to re-read some of what I had read in One Thousand Gifts the day before, so I went to Ann's blog, knowing that there was a link to an excerpt there.  While I was there, I "poked around" a bit, and came across a link to Jeanne Damoff's post Why God Made a Breakable World.   This was my first visit to her blog, but I realized quickly that she is another with an amazing gift of wordcraft.   I also realized that the conclusions to which she has come through her own road of suffering are conclusions to which God has brought me in recent years as well.  In her words, "God wants His people to go deep, and the deep things of God are hidden in redemption. This world was never meant to remain perfect. It was meant to be a potter’s wheel. A refiner’s fire. A place where mere men can be conformed to the image of Christ."  Yes.  Exactly that.  And I needed to be reminded of it at that very moment...and to continue to mull and ponder it throughout the day and then some...

On to church...my first Sunday services in several weeks...and the music through which God always seems to speak so clearly.   I love Camp Kirkland's "It Will Be Worth Everything"...

"It Will Be Worth Everything

When we see Christ, the King,

When He reigns.

Yes, it will be worth everything....

...We will meet Him in the air

On that day, oh, so fair.

What a Day!  

He is coming to take us, 

Completely remake us, 

And it will be worth everything!"

And then the always-powerful words of "It is Well"...

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my  way, 

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, 

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, 

Let this blest assurance control, 

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, 

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin--Oh, the bliss of this glorious thought:

My sin not in part but the whole

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, 

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!"

And, Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight, 

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll, 

The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend, 

'Even so', it is well, with my soul.

It is well...with my soul...It is well, it is well, with my soul."

~Horatio G. Spafford

As we were singing these verses, I was struck by the fact that verse 3...the verse that I tend to "overlook" in this song...should really be the most exciting of all.  A "glorious thought" indeed...and one that should overshadow *all* of the momentary trials that I often let overwhelm me.  

I was anxious to hear Bro. Kent's sermon...both because I had missed the last couple of weeks, and because of a comment that Lyndel had made in choir Wednesday night.   I spent the whole sermon being amazed (again!) at the ways God weaves the circumstances and influences in our lives together in a way that makes it crystal-clearly obvious that He is at work!

Snippets from my sermon notes...

Romans 8:20-22

In verses 18-19, God declared that all of the suffering we endure is not worthy of being compared to this glory that is to be revealed.  {My note...In the midst of the other events of the weekend, I had posted a link on Facebook to an update about a Pakistani woman, Asia Bibi, for whom we have been praying as she is in prison for her faith.  Her life has been threatened, and the government official who was instrumental in getting her death sentence overturned was murdered recently.  A friend commented on the link, "Our persecutions are not worthy of comparison, so far."  And my thought at that time was, "Nor are our sufferings..." I was reminded of that again here...our sufferings seem SO huge, and yet, even the sufferings that are greater than we can imagine are nothing compared to the glory that is to come!}  

All the beauty of creation and the grandeur of the Heavens are but a *shadow* of His glory.

When Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden, all of creation was dragged into sin with them....when they were broken, all of creation was broken...

When Jesus comes back, not only are *we* going to be restored, but all creation is going to be restored along with us...completely remade!

One of the most common misconceptions about sin is that sin only hurts the one who is sinning.  Even "secret sins" affect every relationship in your life--and even those with whom you have no relationship--it is a ripple effect to everyone around you.  

What we see...all we have ever known...is a broken creation.  Like someone who has never seen a car seeing two vehicles mangled from a head on collision and being asked to describe what a car looks like...impossible.  We read in Job that before the Fall, "the morning stars sang together..."   There was no rain...the earth was watered by a mist from the ground.  We have no idea how glorious creation was then...but we know that He is in the process of restoring it to its original purpose, just as He is restoring  His children.  

What does all this mean to us?  First, our sin is a much bigger deal than we think it is...just as we don't realize how broken creation is...and it looks beautiful to us...we don't see sin as the repulsive, depraved debauchery it really is...sin is a VERY big deal.  {This brought back to mind my thoughts about the 3rd verse of "It is Well"...}

Second, God subjected creation to the curse...But he had/has a redemptive purpose...wondrous desplay of His glory as he remakes it.  He is doing something through those who are saved..greater than what happened to the world through Adam's sin...a display of His glory.  We are going through all of this because there is something wonderful beyond description on the other side...like a woman in childbirth...like Jesus enduring the pain of the cross for the joy on the other side (Hebrews 12:2).  

Scripture tells us (Isaiah 65:17) that this world and the suffering that comes with it will be forgotten and never come to mind.  {Wow!  Love that verse!}  

Yes, we are broken.  Yes, we live in a broken world.  The universe itself is broken, and the grandeur that we see in it is only a shadow of what it was before the fall, or what it will be when it is restored and remade.  As Jeanne Damoff says, "God always knew the world would break."  He made a breakable world.  For reasons I can't begin to understand...because I'm not God!...that was part of His redemptive plan before He ever created the world or anything in it. The current consequences of that brokenness that we see in our lives are nothing compared to the joy and glory to come.  

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—  that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."

~ Philippians 3:8-11

Beginning the challenge...Multitude Monday...

1~ That the brokenness was not an accident, not a mistake, but part of the perfect redemptive plan of a loving Creator-Father...  

2 ~ For the lessons He continues to teach me in the broken places...

3 ~ For the healing He continues to grant daily...

4 ~ For the blessing of the good days...the pain-free days, the trauma-free nights, the times that His blessings seem to overwhelm...

5 ~ For His Word, which truly is a light unto our paths and a light unto our feet...

6 ~ For the gift of music, and the comfort and joy He brings through it...

7 ~ For books and blogs and printed words of all kinds that encourage and inspire and teach and cause me to ponder...

8 ~ For friends who pray and encourage and cry and laugh (and make me laugh when I think i couldn't possibly!)

9 ~ For my children who bring so much joy, who build so much character :),  who amaze me everyday...

10 ~ For my husband, who loves me no matter what, and spoils me, and picks up my slack in so many ways, and who most of all demonstrates Christ's love to me...

11 ~ For the "bliss of this glorious thought: my sin, not in part, but the whole is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more...Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, Oh, my soul!"

I'm linking up (for the first time!) today with Ann Voskamp's "1000 Gifts" and  Peter Pollock's "One Word at a Time", for which this week's word is "broken".  (And try as I will I can NOT get the 1000 Gifts graphic to load...I have tried over a dozen times and can't get it to work.  I'll try again later...)

A Bit of a Ramble...Part 1

Thoughts...hundreds of them...wrestle in my head, and I am restless with the need to move them from my head through my fingers onto the screen.  But...along with a most untimely (and unwelcome!) pain flare has come a most frustrating bout of brain fog, and I can't seem to find my way through the mental jello to put the thoughts together into a coherent whole.  

It's not an unfamiliar position in which to find myself...and I am aware of the usual drill.  Jot down a note or two about the thoughts swirling through my mind, add to my "to do" list for the next few days..."Blog about _________", and *if* I can manage to keep up with the notes long enough, by the time I have enough mental clarity to actually type them into readable form, there will be a whole list of such posts, and I will not remember even a fraction of my original thoughts about any of them, and they will descend into the black hole of "blog posts I planned but never finished (or even started)", never to be heard from again.


As I say, I've been in this place before.   More than a few times.  The gaps in the chronology of my blog are testament to that.


So...I am going to attempt to toss these thoughts onto the page...or more accurately, I suppose, the screen...and hope that by the time I hit "publish" there is *some* sense of...well, sense to them.


I started to say it started with a book.  But actually, it started with pain (mine) and trauma-induced night terrors (a child, and then another).   Pain has been a frequent, if intermittent, visitor over the last few years, and night terrors were a constant companion for one child for months that stretched into years.  However, as 2010 drew to a close, I was enormously grateful that we seemed to have entered a period of peace on both counts...the night terrors had been almost non-existent during 2010, and while my health had been far from smooth sailing, the extreme pain episodes had been fewer and farther between than in years previous.


Suddenly, right along with the new year, these two unwelcome guests returned almost hand-in-hand:   A slightly different twist in the pain, and a different child with night terrors. These guests brought with them a deep weariness, and a strong temptation to surrender to the discouragement that constantly tried to drag me into its pit.  I so do not want to walk these roads again...


Then came the book. :)


I discovered Ann Voskamp's blog several years ago, and I remember from the first post I read realizing that she was a companion on the journey of suffering...a fellow student in the "Sovereignty of God 101" class, if you will.  Her posts often described things  that God was doing in my heart in beautiful words I could never dream of writing.  When I discovered that she had written a geography curriculum, I decided immediately that I wanted to incorporate it into our schooling, if only so that my children could get a taste of her amazing gift of words.  It's been one of our most successful curriculum choices yet.


Ann Voskamp's first "real book" (I'm sure there is a better way to phrase that.  She has written the above-mentioned geography curriculum, and a beautiful Advent e-book, but this is an adult non-fiction "buy on Amazon" book. :)) comes out in hardcover this week.  The Kindle edition has been out since just before Christmas.   Yesterday I not only had a chance to play with my friend's new Kindle (and fall in love :)), but also to read several chapters of Ann's One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are  on it .  Wow.  I haven't even managed to post my "Favorite Books of 2010" post, and I've already decided that this is going to be one of my favorite books of 2011.


You can read exerpts here.  And when you have read them and decide that exerpts aren't enough, you can order the book here: One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are


Ann speaks of trauma, of pain, of loss, of brokenness.  Brokenness of people and brokenness of planet.  And as I read, I not only felt a sense of kinship for myself, but for my my children...children who have experienced in their young lives more trauma and loss and brokenness than many adults have experienced in a lifetime.  And in that kinship, I feel...again...hope.  I realize that the words that flow from Ann's heart through her fingers would never have flowed in such a way had the brokenness born of  trauma not come first.


So many more words in those early chapters grip me.  Words of goodness-doubting and glory-returning and and grace-filling and God-craving and mystery-nourishing...words that resonate deep inside with understanding and hope.


But the book is only the beginning.  It is followed by a deep, dark night, a "happened-upon" blog post on the theme word broken ~ Why God Made a Breakable World , a Sunday morning song (or two :)), and a sermon...our weekly "digging in" to a few verses from Romans, which landed us this week in Romans 8:20-22...about the brokenness and restoration ~ remaking ~ not only of the created being, but of creation itself.  Don't you love it when it seems God is composing a theme and variations as He works to grow us in a specific area?!   He's doing it again...:-)


I said there were hundreds of thoughts...and I warned they would be rambling. :)  This already-too-lengthy  (although I'm sure not my *most* lengthy :)) post only incorporates a fraction of them.  However, pain has invaded with a vengeance, the mind has shut down right along with the body, and the remaining words...of night, blog post, song(s), and sermon...will have to wait until morning.


Until then, I grasp the hope...thankful for the reminders that it is actually He who grasps me in His grace...


Read Part 2 here. 

15 Years Ago....

As I sit here this morning bundled up in my softest, warmest sweats, with a fuzzy throw across my lap after what was apparently the coldest night of the season so far, I'm thinking back to the weather 15 years ago today.  I always think back to the 1996 weather on January 13, because it was the most perfectly crisp, beautifully clear, amazingly sunny winter day one could begin to imagine.  The week before, the weather had been beastly...frigidly cold (somewhat like today...), with heavy snow falling and treacherously icy roads, driveways, and sidewalks.  (I remember that because my Woodland Heights shower was that day at Becky E's house...and I was flabbergasted at the number of people who showed up...including my crazy best friend from Arkadelphia!!...despite the frightful weather...)

With Mother and Daddy :)

Billy with his mom and dad

And we had been warned...over and over...by an older co-worker about getting married in January.  "You'll see," she said often, "This date will be a mistake.  You'll deal with ice and snow and bad roads and your anniversary plans will be cancelled and it will be horrible...IF you even make it through the wedding without a blizzard."  Bless her heart.  Her parents had married in January, and their long-awaited 50th anniversary celebration had had to be cancelled due to snow and ice, after our friend had put much time and money into the party plans.  I have no idea what will happen with our 50th (should we even still be around then...:)), but in 15 years, we've never had a weather-related anniversary catastrophe yet. :)  (Of course, part of that could be that we rarely make "big plans" for our anniversary to begin with...:))

Shoeless bride with maid of honor (Tauna Marie) and bridesmaid (Liz Stephens)

My adorable niece, Brianna :)

But January 13, 1996, was clear and beautiful.  Almost *warm* by January standards in Arkansas...but not warm enough to cause me to get overheated in the dress we'd all fallen in love with.   The ceremony and reception were beautiful and full of wonderful memories.

Mother and Granny Kitty (so classic!)

And now fast-forward 15 years...four wonderful children, moves from an apartment to townhouse to a house we never planned to be in this long!, assorted jobs, health issues in varying degrees of severity, deaths of four grandparents and a parent, a NICU stay, two children who have been victims of violent crime, 3 automobile accidents (2 minor and 1 more major)...oh, and a death threat about this time last year...we've had lots of  "for better" and a fair batch of "for worse" for 15 years!  And with God's grace weathered it all and come through, I think, stronger than ever.  

I am so thankful for my sweet husband.  He spoils me terribly, he puts up with my limitations and eccentricities, and he is an amazing daddy to our children.  He truly lives out in so many ways the admonition of Ephesians 5:25, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself up for her..."  I am thankful for 15 years and looking forward to many more (and maybe even a blizzard on our 50th...Ha! :))

Billy's amazing groom's cake...he's never quite gotten over the fact that he only got one bite!

Happy Anniversary, Billy!   I love you!!

What happened to December???

Oh, my!   I can't believe it has...again...been almost a month since my last post.   Eek...!   The blog police (aka my friend J...;-)) will be after me soon.  Somehow I had visions of this December being different...calmer, with time for all the things I never "get to" during the holidays.  Hmmm.  Not sure what happened, but December somehow got away from me and suddenly it was the first week of January!

Part of it was that we *did* get to some things we don't usually get to.  We made a flying trip to Conway...my hometown...on Dec. 5 to hear "A Keyboard Christmas" at my home church.  It was totally beautiful...12 keyboardists on 5 grand pianos...wow!  It was even more special because they performed 2 pieces arranged by our current minister of music...since starting our "Keyboards at Christmas" celebration several years ago, he has become quite the multi-piano arranger.  His arrangements are amazing, and it was such a treat to hear them performed by "another" church. :)  And then to top it off...I got to see long-time friends that I haven't seen in years...what a blessing that was!!!   We got to spend about an hour before the performance visiting with my jr. high Sunday School teacher and her husband...they are two of my favorite people in the world, and I hadn't seen them in way too many years...it was so good to just sit and visit for a bit, although our time was short.  We are already planning another visit soon! 

We also did some fun things like riding the train at Creekmore...that used to be a tradition for us, but we've missed it the last year or two.  We got there early, didn't have to wait too long, and it wasn't horribly cold...cold enough to feel Christmasy, but not bitter cold!  It's always fun to see the lights from the "inside" vantage point of the train, rather than "just driving by" as we do numerous times during the season.  

The highlight of our season is always the Christmas music at church.  Both Keyboards at Christmas and the children's choir music the following week were wonderful, and it was a treat to get to be part of them!  Then, of course, we had the churchwide Christmas fellowship, our annual Christmas caroling to the homebound, and a tremendously fun youth Christmas party.  

Can't believe I almost forgot!  Birthdays!  Birthdays always keep us a *bit* occupied in December as well.  We start the month with Peter's, end the month with mine, and celebrate Billy's not quite in the middle.  This was a big one for Peter....13!!!!  Can't believe I have a teenager now...seems like it was just yesterday I was rocking him to sleep in his Noah's Ark nursery. :)  I didn't get to do a birthday post for him like I did for the girls in August...I still plan to do a belated one (although I'm sure he would prefer it if that was one I just didn't "get around to". :-D)  Aunt Marlena happened to be here on Peter's birthday, so it was fun to get to celebrate with her and Mamoe.   We won't talk about how old Billy and I are...although the good news is...I'm a year younger than I thought I was going to be!!  Yeah...don't ask.  For some weird reason I have thought for over half this year that I was a year older than I actually was.  *Shaking head and rolling eyes*  Anyway.  My family (and a friend or two) spoiled me to death and I had an amazing birthday.  We took a spur  of the moment roadtrip to Fayetteville for lunch (and bread-buying) at Stone Mill Breads and then some shopping...and even a quick photo shoot at Devil's Den (which was a bit chilly, but still fun! :))

And speaking of birthdays, poor Bayley finally got her birthday present!  She had been saving for a new camera since late spring, and when her birthday rolled around in August, she asked for money for her camera fund.  She worked and saved and saved and worked and finally bought her camera the first week of December.  I'm not sure who was more excited...Bayley or Mom!!  I'm loving watching her excitement about a hobby I've always loved.  

Add in another Christmas party or two, a mad rush of last-minute Christmas shopping (because that's just the way it worked this year...;-)), helping with a birthday slumber party for a friend, and the fact that I started working a few hours a week right in the smack dab middle of the holidays...:)....and *THAT* is where December went.  (Oh...and two bouts with health issues that knocked me out of commission for a bit...almost forgot about those. :))

When I started this post, I planned for it to be a belated "Happy New Year" post, but it seems to have turned into a "What Happened to December?" post instead...so perhaps I'll close this post with an even-more-belated "Merry Christmas!", and save the already-late "Happy New Year" for the next post. :)  

Worth Reading...

Having gone over a month between blog posts, I'm trying to get "back on the wagon" this week and post every day.  I don't know that I've ever made it an entire week, but we'll see.   Today, however, being Wednesday (and having written *verrry* long posts the two previous days!), I'm going to "cheat" a bit by posting a list of others' posts worth reading today. :)  

Before I do, however, I want to mention (particularly those who read in a feed reader and don't see the sidebars...) that there is also a new list near the top of my sidebar...a list of posts "from the archives" that are particularly meaningful to me, or good for "catching up" if you're new here, or perhaps just my favorites for whatever reason. :)  

Now for today's link list...

Consecrated for Holy Plans ~ Another excellent and thought-provoking post by Sally Clarkson.

James Montgomery Boice Testimony ~ I read an excerpt from this testimony, given just weeks before Boice's death, in Randy Alcorn's If God is Good this morning, and wanted to read the rest of it.  Love what he says about "Would you change it?" and the fact that if we would change what God is doing in our lives, we'd make it worse.  Ponder *that* a bit...I need to!

Ann Voskamp's Series on Journaling ~ I've linked to this before, but looked it back up after my post on prayer yesterday.   Wonderful stuff on the spiritual discipline of journaling. 

Are We Raising Daniels? ~ Another one I've linked to before, but I ran across it again this morning and was as convicted by it as ever.  

Enjoy!

In "Other" Words...Prayer

“Prayer invites us to rest in the fact that God is in control, and the world’s problems are ultimately God’s, not ours. If I spend enough time with God, I will inevitably begin to look at the world from the point of view that more resembles God’s own. What is faith, after all but believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse.”   

~ Philip Yancey: "Prayer: Does it Make Any Difference?" 

Putting up the Christmas tree at our house is one of those "not as simple as it sounds" propositions.  Six people in a rather small house with no attic, garage, basement (or even very many closets!) means that every inch of floor space is carefully utilized.   Creating space for a Christmas tree (other than in the middle of the floor or hanging from the ceiling) is somewhat like the engineering problems my dad used to try to explain to me. :)   This year, in preparation for "decking the halls" (or at least the living room :)), we needed to move some bookcases.  And before we moved them, they needed to be cleaned out and reorganized.  So...one afternoon during the Thanksgiving weekend found the girls and I cleaning out bookshelves.  (I'm not sure how Peter managed to get out of that task...;-))    Bayley was pulling books off a bottom shelf when she held up a stack of thick notebooks.  "What are these, Mom?"  

I realized that what she held was a stack of prayer journals...dating from sometime in high school to my young adult years.  I had stashed them in the bottom shelf of this bookcase intending to find a better spot for them later...and completely forgotten they were there.  

As I dusted them off and found a spot for them within easy reach so that I could peruse them later, I thought about my prayer life in those days, and how it has changed since then.  Those notebooks represented hours of prayer for myself and others, carefully maintained lists of prayer requests for family and friends, our church, Bible Study groups, missionaries, etc.  There are also pages and pages of prayers written out in longhand over those years, most following a formula such as "ACTS" (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication), with other, more freeform prayers during times of great joy or crisis.  

It would probably take a bit more digging to find them, but somewhere there are similar, although somewhat more simple, prayer journals from my childhood.   My mom taught me from a young age to keep a prayer journal, a heritage for which I am thankful.  Those journals are filled with prayers for a baby brother or sister (I was an only child for almost ten years), prayers for unsaved family members (who are still on my prayer list all these years later), and prayers for sick friends and family members, among other things.

Faith was an easy thing in those years.  It never wavered.  I had complete trust that God would answer those prayers...although I had learned early on that His answers aren't always "yes"...sometimes they are "no" or "wait".  Even when the answers weren't what I wanted, it was somehow still easy for me to trust that this was His will and everything would be okay.  I saw many wonderful answers to prayer in those years, and God used those years to grow and strengthen the faith of a young, innocent girl as she grew into a young, still-pretty-innocent young adult. 

As I entered my mid-twenties, life began to get a bit crazy, and my prayer life began to change.  I don't have as many prayer journals from those years...rather than an hour early in the morning in my favorite chair with my Bible and notebook on my lap, due to a very uncertain schedule in those days, my Bible reading was  often done in my office as I ate a quick breakfast or lunch, and much of my praying was done in my car as I traveled all over the state for my job.  

As I married and had children, the schedule didn't get any better, and while I do have prayer journals from those years, they are anything but consistent.  Again...not that I wasn't praying, but my prayers were often while rocking a baby or standing at the sink washing dishes (in fact, for years I kept a list of prayer requests in a plastic page protector hanging by my sink so that I could have a focused prayer time while doing dishes...perhaps I need to pull out a new page protector and start that again!)

And then we come to 2004.  2004 was an amazing, incredible, tremendously difficult, faith-building year for our family.   In February, our Ammah Grace was born 10 weeks early, necessitating 6 weeks in NICU and causing all kinds of dire predictions from her doctors.  Not only did we pray...hard and often...but our church, town, and even people all over the country and the world prayed for her.  We saw miracle after miracle after miracle...even our favorite NICU doctor, one of the top neonatologists in the country, proclaimed her a miracle.  

Just as we began to breathe a sigh of relief and thankfulness that it appeared our Gracie would be completely "normal", we were hit with the second major crisis of 2004...my dad's health, which hadn't been good for the previous five years, went into steep decline.  A second round of cancer was first suspected, then confirmed, in the midst of other quite serious health issues that made treatment complicated if not impossible.  In November we realized that barring a miracle, we were entering our last holiday season with Daddy, and on December 9 of that year, we stood around his bed in the hospice unit as he took his last breath and went to be with Jesus.  

Although our prayers for Daddy's healing weren't answered in the way we would have chosen, we realized that even in that, he *had* been healed...in the most glorious way possible...and in those last months of his life, we saw incredible answers to prayer just as we had with Ammah Grace.  Again, there was an army of prayer warriors praying for him and for our family, and God sustained us in awesome ways through those prayers.  

I grieved hard for Daddy...but amazingly, even in what was up until then the hardest experience of life, God shored up my faith and allowed me never to question His goodness and sovereignty.  How could I, when I had watched my dad, in horrible, unrelenting pain, look up with tears in his eyes a few days before he died and say, "God has been so good to me."  

As we closed 2004, my heart was grieving, but my faith...and my prayer life...was stronger than it had ever been.  

Sometime in that next year, though, I began to slack in my prayer life.  Not because of any bad feelings or turning away from God...I still confessed sin, I still thanked Him for His blessings and provision, I still praised Him...but as far as supplication, I had hit a place of confusion.  I had learned much during that time about God's sovereignty, and while I still prayed for specific requests when asked, I began to feel a "What's the point?" attitude creeping in.  It's hard to even explain, as it wasn't a bitter or angry "What's the point?", but just a truly questioning, "If God is totally sovereign and His plan is sure from before the foundation of the earth, He is going to fulfill that plan regardless, so what difference is my prayer going to make?"  

Quite a change for the girl with shelves full of prayer journals.

As 2004 ended, we felt that we had been through the fire.  We felt that we had been through the "great year of testing" and we had survived, through God's grace.   We had learned and grown more than ever that year, and had seen God work in marvelous and amazing ways.   2005 and early 2006, in addition to being a time of confusion in my prayer life, were still a time of growth through deep grief.  By the summer of 2006, though, I was beginning to emerge from the valley of sorrow, and feel like we were headed into a "new normal".  

And then on July 2, 2006, our world exploded, as we discovered that one of our precious children had been abused by someone very close to us whom we had trusted completely.    Life as we knew it literally shattered into a million pieces...and my prayer life took a dramatic turn again.  

It would take a book (and I realize I have already written a chapter here...eek!) to tell all that happened during that time and all that God did in our lives as a result.  But as far as my prayer life went, I entered a period of desperation...gone were the acrostics and neatly organized prayer journals and carefully worded prayers.   I had prayed some desperate prayers when our tiny baby's life hung in the balance, but even those prayers were nothing like these.   I've since realized that with Ammah Grace, although we prayed constantly and hard, there were no decisions to be made, there was nothing we could *do* but sit and wait to see what God would do.  We could ask for healing, but it was all completely out of our hands. 

In this situation, however, there were decisions to be made, and there were small people (a situation like this can't help but affect the whole family) with desperate needs that we had to figure out how to meet...and at that point, there was really no one else to ask for counsel.  Billy and I realized that it was us and God, and that we were going to be making the biggest decisions of our lives, with long-term, even permanent, consequences for our children and our family as a whole.  One small misstep, the slightest mistake in judgement, could cause devastating repercussions.  

Our prayers were definitely desperate.  Prayers for wisdom, prayers for direction, prayers for God to somehow heal the trauma our children had experienced.  Prayers just to survive the days of horrible emotional meltdowns of a traumatized child and severe sleep deprivation brought on by night terrors.  Prayers, often, that couldn't be uttered at all...when there were no words, and all I could do was cling to Romans 8:26 ("Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.")

"Prayer time" became a thing of the past, as life became a continual breathing of prayer to God moment by moment.  Billy and I made a determination from the very beginning that we would not take a step, that we would not make the slightest move or decision in this situation, without total, complete certainty that it was what God was leading us to do.  If we didn't have that total certainty and peace, we did nothing until He gave clear direction.  "Waiting on God" took on a whole new meaning...we felt as though we were taking a master's level class in waiting.  But every step of the way, God did, truly, answer our prayers that He would not give us a choice as far as the next move to make.  At each point, not a minute early, but just at the right time, He would clearly show us what to do and how to do it with really no other choice when the time came.  Looking back, I am amazed to see His hand orchestrating it all...although as Philip Yancey says, it "only make[s] sense in reverse".  

Somewhere in the midst of the many lessons God has taught me over the past 4 1/2 years, and the wrestling He brought me through as I struggled with true doubt for the first time in my life, He brought me to a realization about the issues I'd had about prayers of supplication.  Those prayers are not for God.  They aren't to let Him know our needs or those of others around us...because He already knows.  They aren't to beg Him into changing His mind...because His plan is perfect.  They are for us.  First, as an act of obedience.  He tells us to pray.  He tells us to bring our needs and the needs of others before Him.  And second, as a part of building our faith as we see His answers...whether those answers be "yes", "no", or "wait"...and as He makes us more like Himself and brings our prayers more in line with His will. 

Although we will be dealing with the consequences of what happened to our children for the rest of our/their lives, things have finally begun to settle into a bit of a new normal for our family.  God continues to heal and comfort and teach us through it, but as we've moved into a period of relative calm...for however long it may last...the intensity of the deep, desperate, groaning prayer has eased.  The challenge now is to realize that even though our circumstances don't seem quite as desperate, our need for "continual breathing of prayer to God moment by moment" is just as necessary.  It's that "abiding" that John 15 talks about...the "pray without ceasing" of 1 Thessalonians 5.  

I've realized recently that as that season of desperate, almost autonomic or involuntary prayer has moved into a more peaceful season, I need to in an intentional way weave together all that God has taught me (and continues to teach me!) about constant prayer-breathing and structured, focused prayer, and not only practice it in my own life, but teach it to my children as well.   I've gone back to a somewhat haphazard prayer journal in the past couple of years, but I need to become disciplined in that again.  I want to move back to keeping an organized prayer list...both to help me on those brain-foggy, hard-to-focus days, and to keep a running, written record of God's faithfulness.  

I'm so thankful for Debbie of Heart Choices, who is today's In "Other" Words hostess, and who chose today's quote.   I needed this time to reflect on and pull together the things God has been teaching me in the school of prayer.  I have realized for a while that I need to become more "intentional" again in my prayer life, and Debbie's quote and the writing of this post has helped me sit down and really focus on where God is leading me in that right now.  

To see Debbie's post, and read others' thoughts on today's quote, visit Heart Choices.  

Bugs Bunny, Facebook, and Stewarding the Story ( or "Quite Possibly My Most Important Blog Post Ever")

I've always thought of myself as anything but a rebel, but in the last few years I realize more and more that there is a part of me that seriously balks at the thought of doing something...anything..."everyone else" is doing.  There is a part of me that enjoys being just a bit different.  Not "dye your hair purple" different, but swimming upstream a bit.  If a curriculum is really popular, I tend to shy away from it....and it's going to have to work extra hard to convince me it's head and shoulders above the rest.   I tend to ignore "popular" musicians unless I happen to hear a song I think is just fabulous.  Thinking back, I was that way even in high school...my dream car was not the brand new sports car my friends were ogling, but a candy apple red 1973 Karmann Ghia (which I actually owned :)).


So, whenever a status starts popping up on my Facebook newsfeed..."copy and paste this to your status if you support ________________", I start feeling a tad hive-ish.  I don't think I've *ever* copied and pasted such a status, no matter how much I may agree with the cause (or at least the ideas behind it).   I hate cancer.  I've watched it ravage two of my grandparents, my dad, and various friends through the years.  It's a terrible thing.  But I can't bring myself to post a "copy and paste this if you've lost someone you love to cancer" status.   I love my children...but when I see a "copy and paste this to your status if you have a child you are thankful for",  it doesn't cause me to think "Oh, yes, I must post that!"


I guess it shouldn't have been a huge surprise, then, that when I began seeing cartoon characters popping up in my newsfeed over the weekend, I began to feel a bit antsy.  I actually did have some favorite 70s cartoons.  The Jetsons, Yogi Bear, etc., were great!  And of course, Looney Tunes are timeless. :)  My FB friends may yet see a Hanna-Barbara creation or Bugs and Taz on my profile.  I certainly have nothing against anyone else posting...it isn't like some of the "awareness" campaigns that have been little more than titillating sensationalism.   And, again, I can't guarantee I won't post one myself.


But frankly, I struggle with understanding how a thumbnail image of a cartoon character is really going to make a difference for those who have already been devastated by child abuse or prevent children from being abused in the future.


"Awareness" seems to be the goal these days, no matter what the issue.  And while in one sense, I understand that, in another, I just don't see the point.


Are there really that many people out there who aren't aware that child abuse happens?  I look over my friend list and can't find anyone I really think would be shocked to know that child abuse exists.  I suppose that there are people on Facebook somewhere who aren't aware...but really, is making that (relative) handful of people "aware" that there is such a thing going to stop a child from being abused, or help heal a child who has already been traumatized?


Please understand that I am not saying there is anything, at all, wrong with posting a cartoon character profile pic this week.  Having written this post, I probably actually *will* post one later today, just because. :)  Many of my dear friends have posted photos of characters that bring back feelings of nostalgia (or in some cases, a "did we actually WATCH that??? reaction :)).  I appreciate the caring hearts I know are behind those profile pictures, some of whom I know have been directly affected by the horror of abuse and/or active in the fight against it.


I just don't think it goes far enough.


I don't think it gets the really necessary info out there.


I don't think it helps us differentiate between the frivolous, petty things some call abuse, and the truly horrific acts that actually are.


Child abuse is a hot button issue for me.  I've talked about child protection on this blog before, and those who have read those posts know that child protection is an issue about which I am passionate.  What may not have been clear in those posts is the fact that I tend to distance myself from things labeled "child abuse advocate."  My pre-SAHM career was in the social work field, working with foster children, their families, and their foster families.  I saw a lot of true abuse in those years...and I saw things labeled abuse that frankly weren't. (And while this blog post won't deal with that particular issue in detail, I must say that that is a *dangerous* thing, as it detracts from true abuse issues on so many levels.)  I saw many false allegations and the devastation they caused to the families involved.  I saw many caring people trying to help children and their families...and I saw a flawed system that sometimes caused as much trauma as the abuse itself.  And I've seen some of the most caring folks of all devastated by the very system through which they were trying to make a difference.


Several years ago, though, child abuse became something much more personal when we discovered that one of our children had been victims of abuse by someone close to our family who we loved and trusted.  Our family was rocked to the core and there were times that we wondered if we would survive.


I can't begin to describe the trauma experienced  by our whole family.  The first two years were spent literally trying to just survive hour by hour and minute by minute some days.  It would take a book to even begin to tell the story of the last 4 1/2 years.  The important part is...God has worked and is continuing to work in our family in amazing ways.  He has taught us things through this that we could never have imagined.  Our journey is far from over.  We know that there will be new "layers of the onion" peeled away periodically for the rest of their (and our) lives.  The perpetrator of the abuse is currently in prison on other charges, and while charges have been filed in our case, legal loopholes mean that the case won't actually go to trial until his current sentence is over.  We know there are difficult and uncertain days ahead.


Through our experiences...years of combined experience of Billy and I both in the child protection field as well as our personal experience...true awareness of child protection issues is a subject close to my heart.  Billy and I were "experts" on child abuse/protection issues.  As a foster/adoptive parent trainer years ago, I taught classes in "signs of abuse" and "risk factors".  Billy and I knew that we couldn't protect our children from every eventuality in life...we knew we couldn't control accidents, illnesses, etc....but we were *sure* that one thing from which we could protect our children was abuse/m*lestation.  We were (and still are) hall of famers in the overprotective parents' club.


If the horror of abuse can happen to our children, it can happen to *anyone's* children.


Even yours.


Because of our experiences and my heart on these issues, I couldn't ignore this latest FB "awareness" campaign...but neither could I post a cute picture and be done with it.


We do need to be aware.  Parents, grandparents, and anyone who is ever responsible for the care of children NEED to be aware of the fact that child abuse is NOT just something that happens to "other people".


It is NOT something that just happens in disadvantaged families.


It is NOT something that just happens in bad neighborhoods.


Perpetrators are NOT just the scary-looking guy on the street corner.  They may wear nice clothes, have charming personalities, drive nice vehicles, live in the best neighborhoods, have a good job, and be well-educated.


There are perpetrators everywhere.  That is not said for dramatic effect, and it is not to say we should be looking at every stranger (or friend or family member) as a possible perpetrator.  However, more than likely, if you were to search the sexual offender registry, you would find at least one, if not more, registered sexual offenders living much too close for comfort to your home, church, or workplace.  And those are just those who have been caught, tried, convicted, and registered as sexual offenders.  There are many more who haven't been caught yet, tried yet, or convicted yet.  AFTER we discovered the situation with our children, we discovered that the perpetrator in our case had been under investigation for over two years by the FBI for crimes against children...during which time we had absolutely no idea such an investigation was going on.


Almost ANY time your child is not in your line of sight...there is a possibility of abuse.  That doesn't mean it is probable, but it is possible.  It can happen in under five minutes.  It can happen in a public place.  It can happen, quite literally, in your own backyard.  It can happen when they are with people you trust.


I am not advocating that parents never take their eyes off their children.  I am not advocating that parents never trust *anyone* but themselves with their children.    I am saying that there are often times when parents are lulled into a false sense of security that "it couldn't happen to us", and that can cause a lack of caution that can have devastating consequences.


We need to realize that allowing our child to go anywhere by themselves (*especially* public restrooms) puts them at risk.  This doesn't just mean at the mall or the grocery store...this means *any* public place.  I cringe every time I see a child allowed to go to the restroom by themselves at church.  At one time, at least four known sexual offenders lived within a mile or less (some within blocks) of our church.  As far as we know, they are still there.  Our church is not in a bad neighborhood by any means.  It is just down the street from a school.  I would guess that there isn't a church in our town that doesn't have a registered sexual offender living in the vicinity.  And again...those are just the registered ones.


We need to think long and hard about who we allow to care for our children in our absence.  Every family will have their own boundaries on this...but we need to realize that just because we have known someone a long time, or because they live next door, or because they have passed background checks, doesn't mean they are "safe".   I understand the need for background checks in certain areas, but they make me very nervous because they give us a false sense of security.  All a clean background check can tell us is that someone has never been caught and convicted (or had a child abuse allegation "founded" against them).


We need to be aware that teaching our children about "good touches and bad touches" only goes so far.  One of our children is, as far as we know, still unaware of the abuse they experienced for over six months (by the perpetrator's own admission).  The other was apparently not aware of the abuse until the last occurrence...again, after over six months.  The perpetrator said that they were always asleep...we believe, given the degree of the abuse and the lack of apparent awareness, that they were probably drugged.  "Educating" a child is not an effective defense in such situations.


We need to understand that no matter how hard we try to protect our children, we are not all-powerful, and there is no way we can guarantee that we can prevent abuse from happening to our children.  Our family is living proof of that.  I taught classes in preventing and detecting abuse.  Billy and I did everything "right" in that area.  And it happened to our family anyway.  As traumatic as our situation has been, however, I have to say that it would have been so incredibly much more traumatic for us as parents if it had occurred due to something we could have prevented.   We need to do all we can to prevent...while realizing that our prevention efforts are not guarantees.

And for individuals and families who have experienced abuse, we must know that as horrible and heinous and devastating as it is for a person or a family...it is not the end of the world.   It feels like it...often for a long time.  But there is hope.  God can and does give peace in the midst of the storm and bring beauty from ashes.  I have written much on this blog about God's work in our lives during the dark days of the last few years, and I am sure that I am nowhere near finished writing that story.  None of it has been easy, but He has shown Himself totally faithful through it all.  

This is by no means an all-inclusive "everything you need to know about child abuse" post.  It also doesn't begin to tell our whole story and what God has done in our lives and taught us through it.  I could...and perhaps someday will...write a whole book on the subject.   But hopefully it does take "awareness" a step further.  Perhaps this is an issue that tugs on your heartstrings and you want more information.  Feel free to email me by clicking on the "view my complete profile" link near the top of the sidebar, and then clicking the "email" button on the left side of the profile.  Or perhaps your family or someone close to you has experienced  the devastation of abuse and you are looking for support or encouragement or prayer...or you have encouragement to offer others.  Again...please email me through the profile link.  Or you are always welcome to post less personal questions or comments below.


This post has been sitting in my drafts folder for 3 days while I prayed and sought counsel about posting it.  It hasn't been easy to write, and it won't be easy to hit "publish".   God has brought us a long, long way in the past four and a half years.   In the beginning, we were dead set against anyone knowing our story but the few who "had to" know.   God has slowly changed our hearts over the last couple of years and caused us to realize that this story is not ours, but His.  He has given our family, including the child who is aware of what happened, a strong sense of the fact that He has a plan for our family as a whole and each of us individually and that the last 4.5 years were not an interruption in that plan, but a vital part of it.  God has given us a desire to minister to others who are walking this dark road, and to truly "raise awareness" about protection and prevention in a realistic way.


Mary Beth Chapman, wife of Steven Curtis Chapman and author of  Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope
  (which is, by the way, one of the two best books I've read all year), says of her family that she wants them to "steward their story well."   That is my heart...to steward our story well.  Even more than "raising awareness" of child abuse, I want to "raise awareness" of the Hope that lies within us...the Hope that has carried us through the many dark days and sleep-deprived nights of this journey.  God is good.  He loves us with an everlasting, unchanging love.  He loves my children even more than I do!  He is working for our best, always.  His plan cannot be thwarted or changed.  He has carried us in the palm of His hand throughout it all.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

 ~ Genesis 50:20

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

~Jeremiah 29:11

"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young." 

~ Isaiah 40:11

"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."

~Romans 10:9-10