In "Other" Words...Loneliness

I can't believe it's been over a week since I've posted! I had plans for a whole week's worth of posts last week, and was especially excited about last week's In "Other" Words quote by C. S. Lewis. Then I got sick. Or maybe make that SICK. Why is it that I either am really motivated to blog and don't have time, or have the time and am too tired/brain fogged/whatever else to blog? I managed to get a (late) book review posted, and apparently used up all available brain cells to do that. ;-) So I have much more to share...hopefully this week I'll have time and brainpower together long enough to whittle down my "to blog" list a bit!

“Rather than turn from loneliness,
what if we turned toward it?
Could it be that loneliness is not a curse
but a gift?
A gift from God?”

~Max Lucado,
Traveling Light: The Promise of Psalm 23

I did somewhat of a double-take on this quote when I first read it. My initial reaction was "Well, that is one thing I have been blessed with during the past few years...it has not been a season of loneliness."

I have had very definite seasons of loneliness in my life, but they have been few and far between. Between being richly blessed with close friends *almost* continually since meeting Susan and Julianne when we were three :), and having grown up in a very close-knit family, loneliness was somewhat brief and episodic in my life. The year we lived in Russellville, when I was in the sixth grade, and I spent the entire year praying to move back to Conway (which we did the following summer :)). My early days in Fort Smith after college, when I missed family, friends, and church immensely. These and other "bursts" of loneliness had definitely shown me that loneliness can be a blessing as well as a curse. That sixth grade year in Russellville especially was a year of tremendous growth for a young adolescent girl experiencing the culture shock of a new church and school.

But one of the things I've been most thankful for during the past few years of turmoil here has been the tiny group of very close friends who have "been there" for us in ways we could never have imagined before. I hear and read about people going through severely hard times with no support system and am constantly reminded how blessed we've been and how grateful I am. I am also reminded of how many people go through difficult days with an unbelieving or unsupportive spouse, or no spouse at all...and I am so thankful for Billy, who has been my rock of strength and my soft cushion of comfort, even as he has been right in the midst of the searing pain himself.

A little deeper thought, however, brought awareness of times of intense loneliness during the past few years...times that have been glaring reminders of the old saying about being lonely in a crowd full of people. I remembered the times I have told my two friends, who have stood on either side of me and almost literally propped me up at times during the past few years, that while I was more thankful than they would ever know for the ways they have been there for me, there are times when I would give almost anything for someone who has actually walked in our shoes. These friends have been amazingly understanding in their sharing of our burdens...but there have still been times I have literally ached for somone who could say, "I've been there. I know what you're going through. I know how you feel." How I would love to be able to "pick someone's brain" and ask "How did you handle this? Did you ever feel like this? Do you have any suggestions for this part?"

There have been other aches of loneliness during these years, too. I grew up with a very close and connected extended family, but my children's experience of extended family is much different than I expected it to be. Some of my biggest struggles with discontent in the past few years have been over this very issue. A friend mentioning a family get-together, photos of long-ago family friends on Facebook with their grandchildren, memories of my childhood holidays...little things that can send me straight into pity party mode if I'm not careful. And then there are those days when I would give anything and everything for an hour with my dad...when my thankfulness that he hasn't been here for the events of the past few years is overcome by longing for just a tiny bit of his encouragement and wisdom.

Loneliness hasn't been as much a stranger as I sometimes think.

And yet, I have definitely seen God working in that loneliness. We have truly learned to turn to Him in ways we otherwise wouldn't have. During times when we have desperately sought wise counsel and come up empty, we have learned first hand the truth of Jesus as the "Wonderful Counselor" spoken of in Isaiah 9:6. During times when I have ached for a hug and wise words from my dad, God has shown Himself faithful as the "Father to the Fatherless" promised in Psalm 68:5. In the times when my heart has broken over the pain my children were going through, when I have felt so woefully inadequate as a parent to deal with that pain, God has reminded me that He watched His innocent Child go through unimaginable pain...and that He went through that pain because of His love for *us*. He has reminded me in those times that He loves my children even more than I ever could...and that He is in control and is working His plan for good in their lives.

I am so very thankful for my husband, my travelling companion on this journey neither of us could ever have foreseen, and which we would never have chosen. I am so thankful for the handful of people who didn't have to walk this road with us, but who have chosen (or been chosen to :)) walk along-side us as burden-sharers. And I am, albeit a bit hesitantly, thankful for the gift of loneliness...one which would never have gone on any wishlist, and yet *is* still, amazingly, a gift.

To see others' thoughts on this week's In "Other" Words quote, visit Patricia at Typing One-Handed. Thanks to Patricia for hosting this week, and to Loni at Writing Canvas for her leadership of In "Other" Words. I'm excited to now be part of the In "Other" Words hostess team, and looking forward to hosting on September 29!

Those girls!!

Earlier this week I challenged myself to post every day this week.  Wednesday is always our busiest day of the week, but today was moreso than usual, so I almost forgot.  I was about to shut things down and go to bed when I realized..."Ack!! The blog!"  No time (or brainpower) for anything major (and if you have any doubt  about the brainpower thing...I messaged a friend earlier with a list of items, and realized that I had two number "1's" on the list!  Eek.)

So, I'll quickly share a couple of "funny girl" stories with you.  

First, we were on the way home from church tonight, when five-year-old Ammah Grace said, "Mom, I wish *I* was 45 and *you* were three. Then I could boss *you* around!" 

Never mind the fact that I'm not 45 and she's not three....

That reminded me of a conversation with Bayley last week.

Mom to Bay:  "Bayley, *you* are just too funny."

Bay to Mom:  "Well, Mom, I was raised in a funny family."

I hardly think, at the ripe old age of 9, her "raising" needs to be referred to in the past tense.  

Happy Birthday Great-Papa!

Last Saturday we celebrated Great-Papa's 97th birthday. Mamoe and Aunt Marlena brought some of his favorite snacks and we had a small party. With four children and three dogs (Mamoe's Prissy and two of Aunt Marlena's), there was not a dull moment. :) It's hard to believe Great-Papa is only three years away from having lived a century!


Emlyn with a dog whose name I can't remember ;-)

This seemed like a small dog until Ammah Grace picked her up...

Bayley, Aunt Marlena, and Scarlett...
Aunt Marlena with the girls and dogs...
Uncle Ken and Ammah Grace...

Emlyn and Prissy...
Peter and Ammah Grace were crab crawling...

Contemplative Emlyn...

"You Didable!!"

It's been, as Billy would say, "a stinker of a day" today. The latest in a series of them, actually. I've been struggling with some things, the kids have been grouchy, we've been behind all day...you know, one of *those* days.

I was putting my hair up in rollers, trying to get in the mood to go to church tonight, thinking how * much* I would like to stay home...when Ammah Grace came in. I've always said that God gave her to us to make us smile during the hardest years of our lives...and once again, she did it.

"Mama, you didable!" (Didable=adorable in Ammah Grace speak)

Mind you, at this point I had hot rollers in my hair and looked like a space alien.

"I am?"

"Yes, Mama, you *weeaaallly* didable."

*Big Cheesy Grin* from Ammah Grace.

*Big smile* from Mom.

"Mom, I Won an Airplane!"

Those were the words I heard over the phone Monday morning from my very excited son. He and Billy went out to Flightmaster's Field (the local radio controlled airplane club) to their Memorial Day event, and Peter won the drawing for a brand new plane! As you can see from the photo, he is quite the proud new pilot!

Remembering Papaw

I am sitting here stunned at the moment realizing that this picture, if I have my dates right, was taken 27 years ago today. It doesn't seem possible that it could have been that long ago...and yet there have certainly been many changes since then (for instance, I think the recliner in the background has been recovered *twice* since this picture was taken! :)). I *think* that this picture was taken on my Papaw Brown's 80th birthday, May 29, 1981.

A true gentleman. That is the most often-heard description whenever people talk about my grandfather, who died in 1986 at the age of 85. A hard-working man who often worked 7 days a week, 364 days a year, a gentleman who was rarely seen without a long-sleeved white shirt, tie, and his ever-present hat until he was well into his 80s, a faithful husband who had been heard to say during his last fight with cancer, "I just hope I live until our 56th anniversary." He did, and died less than a month later. An incredible family historian who compiled a 3 inch-thick, legal-sized *book* of our family history by typing with two fingers (he typed *everything* and typed amazingly fast for someone who only used two fingers :)) and copying on an old xerox copier at the library. A dyed in the wool worrier (who passed that trait on to his oldest son and his youngest grand-daughter. :)) A stern man who also had a wonderful dry sense of humor and could make me laugh faster than almost anyone.

Papaw and I had a very special relationship. I was grandpa's girl and everyone knew it. When I was two, my mom was hospitalized, and while my other grandparents were still working, my grandfather was ten years older than the others and had already retired. This man who had spent most of his own children's childhoods working suddenly found himself in charge of a two year old while my daddy was at work. Some of my earliest and best memories are of the time I spent with him during that time. Years later I would pack up my books and head to Fort Smith in the spring of 1986 when he was diagnosed with cancer for the last time. I spent many hours in the hospital with him, and then many days with him and my grandmother after he went home. One of the greatest blessings of homeschooling my last two years of high school was having the flexibility to spend most of those last few months with him, and time with my grandmother after he died.

I found this recently...a poem that my great-aunt, his sister-in-law, wrote for my grandmother 6 months after his death:

He was a very noble man.

Forget him, we never can.

It was so very plain to see

He was devoted to his family.

He was kind and understanding,

Never harsh or commanding.

He was honest and forgiving

Working hard to make a living.

He is missed so very much

That gentle smile and loving touch,

That vacant chair that seems so quiet,

The long, long days and silent nights.

We miss you, Foy--

Feb. 87

Jessie Robertson

Incredible Love

We are working on another song by Stuart Townend in adult choir right now... How Deep the Father's Love for Us. The first time we sang it, I thought it was beautiful, and looked down to see who it was written by...and realized it was written by the same person who wrote my very *favorite* song we have done in choir this year (The Power of the Cross). Not only are both of these songs musical *dreams* for an alto (some beautiful low melody parts in addition to gorgeous harmonies), but the words are incredible. God continues to amaze me with new realizations of the true depth of His love. And He continues to remind me of the *truth* and *reality* of His Sovreignty. I have struggled with the Sovreignty of God this year more than any other, but through those struggles, I have become convinced that suffering is indeed necessary for us to gain a deeper understanding of God's love for us.

"How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure...

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

...Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers...."

(Exerpted from How Deep the Father's Love for Us, by Stuart Townend)

When we first began working on this song, I had just had a conversation with a friend about God's sovreignty and goodness and human suffering. It is hard for us as finite humans sometimes (all the time?) to reconcile the suffering of children with the Goodness and Sovreignty of God. She shared that it was much easier for her to accept the suffering adults experience than the suffering of innocent children. I have struggled with that as well. We have watched a number of *innocent children* suffer...including our own. We watched our youngest go through intense physical suffering during the first 6 weeks of life, enduring medical procedures that send adults into anxiety attacks, and acquiring scars that may be visible for the rest of her life. Our older children have gone through periods of extreme emotional suffering due to various family crises. I have spent a lot of time pondering why God allows *innocent children* to suffer, both before and after the conversation with my friend. I certainly don't have an easy answer. But God has brought me a long way in this area, and because we are dealing with some long term issues involving the suffering of children, I know that He will continue to lead in this area.

One thing I have realized about the suffering of children is this: the suffering of my children gets my attention faster than anything else. God has taught *me* more through the suffering of my children than through any other suffering I have experienced. I have clung to Him more for wisdom and strength in helping my children through their suffering than I ever would have otherwise. And I have learned more about God's love for us as our Heavenly Father through the experience of watching my children suffer.

When Ammah Grace was still in NICU, I had the most vivid realization of the immensity of God's love for us that I had ever had up to that point. She was several weeks old, and it was our first time to actually be *alone*...she was finally stable enough for me to take her into the nursing mother's area and be in the privacy of a curtained cubicle. I was finally able to just sit with my baby and examine all of her little fingers and toes as I had done with all of my other children in the first few hours of life. As I sat marvelling at how tiny she still was...although she had already gained almost a pound by that time...I noticed something I had never seen on my other children. Scars. Little tiny scars, on her hands, and on her feet. Scars from multiple IVs and other tests and procedures I didn't even want to think about. I was suddenly overwhelmed at how much suffering this little girl had already experienced in her very first weeks of life. I remembered the agony I had gone through a couple of weeks earlier, giving permission by phone for her to undergo a spinal tap...not a pleasant procedure for anyone, much less a tiny baby. I remembered having the crazy urge to jump in the van and drive the 2 1/2 hours to the hospital because I couldn't stand the thought of her going through the procedure alone, despite the fact that the doctor had said they needed to do it immediately. (I had gone home for a week or so to get things settled before going back to Little Rock to stay for the duration of her stay in NICU.)

Tears flooded down my face as I ached for the suffering this child had endured...as I contemplated the suffering that could be still to come for her...and as I realized again my complete and total inability to do anything about any of it. In the midst of my tears, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the thought of another Parent who had wept over His Child's scars. God quietly reminded me that He, too, had experienced the pain of seeing scars on the hands and feet of His Child. He, too, had known the pain of allowing His Son to suffer alone...not being there to comfort Him in the worst time of suffering that He...that any man...had ever experienced.

And then He reminded me of this: He didn't have to.

As I struggled with my total helplessness to control the suffering my child had already experienced and would experience in the future, I realized that God didn't *have* to see His Son suffer. He could have, with a word, released Him from that suffering. Jesus Himself could have called "10,000 angels...to destroy the world and set Him free." But...God willingly watched His only Son suffer and die at the hands of evil men...He turned His face away as Jesus took on the sin of the world that He couldn't even look upon...and He did it for *us*. Sinful, evil, miserable, ungrateful people. People that He loved enough to die for. I realized in that moment that there was no one in the world that I could have *willingly allowed* this little girl to endure that kind of suffering for. I knew that I would have done anything in my power to keep her from having to experience the suffering she had experienced.

And at that moment, I realized in a way I had never realized before how deep the Father's love for us...for me...really is. The lyrics of this song express what I felt that day...and what I feel every time I think about those teeny, tiny scars...so perfectly. What incredible word pictures...about an Incredible Love.

Thankful Thoughts

I *really* need to be thinking thankful thoughts right now. Mostly because I *really* don't feel like it. I'm mad. The Mama Bear in me has been stirred again...one of my children is hurting deeply because of the misdeeds of others and I want so badly to lash out...I guess it is fortunate that I couldn't talk to the culprit right now if I wanted to. And not only that...but it is taking everything inside of me not to throw myself a great big giant pity party right now. Our family has been through a very painful season, and I am tired. Tired of my children hurting. Tired of seeing my husband burdened with the load of trying to lead and protect his family through circumstances he should never have had to deal with. Tired of fighting tears.

So, right now, I am going to think of five things to be thankful for...more random thoughts of thankfulness:

1. I'm thankful for the work Billy, the kids, and I got done on the house this weekend. We still have a long way to go, but we made progress and I feel a sense of accomplishment in the little things.
2. I'm thankful for shoe bags! I had been looking all over for cheap over-the-door shoe bags for the kids...we had *no* shoe storage and I was tired of shoes all over the floor! (Not to mention lost shoes...ugh!) I had not been able to find the cheap plastic versions I was looking for...and then J. called and had found some on clearance at Sears...not the super-cheap ones, but good sturdy ones...for $3.80 apiece! They had four, which was exactly what we needed, so Saturday the kids all gathered *all* of their shoes and filled up thier shoe bags. Yay!! No more shoes in the floor...and they are actually excited about putting them up now!
3. I'm thankful for a good library, and access to good books. I've been reading several books on blogging/HTML, perusing a couple of new cookbooks. and having 5 minute vacations in a book from one of my favorite Christian fiction authors....all thanks to our library trips this week!
4. I'm thankful for clothes! I was really worried about having clothes for this spring and summer...and thanks to a friend cleaning out her closets and passing things on, I have a whole new wardrobe! It's nice to get ready for church and not have to worry about *what in the world am I going to wear?* !! :)
5. I'm thankful that everyone is finally asleep so I can go to bed! :)

I'm feeling better already...

Random Thoughts of Thankfulness...

I hope I'm not committing a major blogging faux pas here...but I'm fairly certain that this blog is going to be the *permanent* one, so I decided to repost an earlier blog post from my original blog. I plan to continue the *Random Thoughts of Thankfulness* posts on a regular basis, so I thought perhaps I needed to share their origins here as well...

(from May 11, 2007, the wee hours of the morning...)

I have been quite convicted lately that I need to stop on a regular basis and spend time just being grateful....time that I thank God for His amazing blessings, without any other distractions. It's 1:18 a.m. at the moment, and I am sitting here *waiting* for a new internet security program to download so I can shut down and go to bed...and I realized perhaps this would be a good time to just *be grateful*. :-) I plan to make this a regular part of my blog...but hopefully *not* regularly at 1:30 a.m.!

A bit of housekeeping, first. My plan is for this to be a place for *random* thoughts of thankfulness....thankfulness for those things in my day or week that make me smile, or give me a sudden jolt of realization of God's goodness and love....things that make me excited to get up in the morning (or keep me from running away to Alaska on the rough days. :)) So...let's get the *big stuff* out first...because these are things I am *always* thankful for, and they won't necessarily be repeated in later random thankfulness posts:

1. The gift of a Christian husband who spoils me rotten, wholeheartedly believes in homeschooling (and works hard so that I can stay home to accomplish that), and is the most incredible husband and daddy ever (and he even does dishes! :-))

2. Four beautiful, healthy, crazy, bright, amazing (but sometimes cranky) children.

3. The blessing of being raised in a Christian home by Godly parents who sacrificed much and prayed often for us. I realize more every day what a very rare gift that is.

4. Friends who make me laugh until my face hurts, endure my tears (and shed their own with me), listen to me unendingly, and sharpen me as iron sharpens iron.

5. The most wonderful gift of all...a Savior whose love, grace, and faithfulness are more awesome to me every day.



Now...for today's random thoughts of thankfulness...

1. Missing doors! My brilliant hubby suggested years ago that we take the doors off of either end of our large dining/school room. It took me several years to catch up with his thinking....but I decided a few weeks ago that part of the dining/school room makeover *desperately* needed to be losing the doors. So...Billy took the doors off after work tonight, and it has *already* made a world of difference in this room! Much more usable/wall space and a much less *cluttered* look. (He and the kids pulled wallpaper off half the room tonight, too...the kids had a ball, and I am a few steps closer to having this room painted and transformed. :))

2. The promise of high-speed internet. Wow! I am excited about this. I have needed to make some changes in our phone service for a while now...our long distance usage has changed and I knew we could get a better deal than we had but I just hadn't gotten around to it. Today I ended up on the phone with a customer service guy from our phone company...and ended up getting our phone service and high-speed internet bundled for $55.00 *less* a month than we were paying for our phone and slow dial-up! It will take a week or so to get it all going, but it is definitely something to look forward to. :)

3. Choir Practice. I often think I should take a break from choir for a while...due to time and health issues...but I just can't ever quite make myself. Choir has always been one of the most enjoyable times of the week for me...I enjoy all of it, even just going over things over and over and *over* again until Lyndel is happy with them (or until he gives up, whichever the case may be :-D). I'm always amazed at the way God uses the music we are working on in very specific ways in my life. Somehow in the past few years, with all that we have gone through (Ammah Grace, losing Daddy, and the difficult events of the past year), many of the hymns and choir anthems I've sung for years have come alive in totally new ways. And Lyndel has managed to introduce us to new pieces that have impacted me immensely. I actually started a blog post this morning (hopefully I will finish and post it someday :)) about the music of Stuart Townend and what a blessing it has been lately. I'm really thankful that Billy has supported my staying in choir and that Lyndel puts up with me. :)

4. School! We have finally found our *niche* as far as schooling goes, and that is *such* a good feeling. It is so good to have a plan (one that actually *works*, after the first one *didn't* :)) and books and know where we are headed. We have had so much *fun* with school recently. Some of the fun hasn't been surprising (making clay *creations* as a project to go along with our Mystery of History lesson...I'll post pics soon...), but some of it has caught me off guard. One of the things the kids have enjoyed the most this week has been their *handwriting*, of all things. I printed copywork pages from the DonnaYoung site of George Washington's Rules of Civility...and the kids have *begged* to do them first every day! More on that and lots of other school thoughts coming soon...:)

5. When I started this, I had five thoughts, but somehow when the clock struck 2 a.m., I lost the fifth one. Since this download is *finally* almost finished, I'm not going to attempt to remember it...maybe it will come back to me in the morning. For now, I will replace it with the fact that I am thankful that I should be in bed in the next 10 minutes and only seconds after that be asleep. A very thankful thought for 2 a.m. for a tired mommy...:)

Experimenting with Photos...

Okay. I actually managed to post an avatar picture in my profile. (Don't tell Billy...he'll start that *nerd* stuff again...;-)) Now I'm going to see if I can manage to post a photo in the body of my post...


I actually posted not one, but five! :) I still have a lot to learn...obviously. Not only is one of them *sideways*, but they ended up in completely the wrong order (I went through a rather convoluted process to get them here...I'll have to read up on posting photos tonight.)

Now for the introductions...
This is Billy...the incredibly spoiling husband. He said earlier "I don't want my picture in that blog..." I said, "Not even the one where you are kissing the donkey??" "Oh, okay, I guess you can use that one." (For those who are wondering...we went to visit friends who have a donkey, and Billy was sharing a carrot stick with it. ;-))

These are the *creative kids*. I don't remember what they were playing that morning, but they got up early and began frantically making masks and shields (knights' armor, maybe?) out of the cardstock-like scrap paper Dad brings home from the hospital. *Frantically creating* is a common pastime with these three...

*This* is the baby. My sincere apologies that her picture is upside-down. I will try to do better in the future (and maybe post a *rightside-up* one tomorrow to make up for this one.)

These are *the big kids*. They are quite a crew. I know we won't be able to get by with calling them *the big kids* much longer...Ammah Grace will soon be letting us know that *she* is one of *the big kids*, too. :-D

This is *the boy*....along with his clay creations, which are also currently found in my avatar. These were his *creations* from our first Mystery of History lesson. I'll be posting more pictures from that lesson soon...we *love* Mystery of History, and hope to share lots of MOH projects here!

And *the girls*...

Poor Peter. He is seriously outnumbered. Other than occasional lapses into *I really want a baby brother* depression, he handles it pretty well. He is very protective of them, and has adapted to all the pink girly stuff by turning Polly Pockets into parachuting snipers with machine guns strapped to them with pony-tail holders, and using hair ribbons to tie up everything in the house. More on the Harris sibling front to come in future posts...:)

Well, I've accomplished two things tonight: I've posted an avatar and I *think* I'm about to post my first post photos (I guess I should wait until it actually *posts* to consider it an accomplishment, hmm?) I think on that note, I'm going to sign off for the evening and call it a day.