Re-Reading...

I got up this morning and decided I needed to read back through my blog a bit. I needed to be reminded of what God has done in our lives in the past few years, and of the things He has taught me through it. It's been a slow, but very good, journey through the past year's blog entries. I hope to have time later today to read a little more...but I just ran across my blog entry for a year ago today, and thought I would share it again, in it's entirety, here. (I almost had to laugh as I read what I wrote about "closure" and the "cloud of waiting" no longer hanging over our heads...as the beginnings of "closure" ended up being an illusion, and the "cloud of waiting" merely moved out of our field of vision for a few weeks before re-entering it even larger than before. Eleven months after its reappearance, it still hangs there, threatening a storm occasionally, but mostly just unsuccessfully trying to block the rays of the sun.)

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2008

Trust His Heart

Trust His Heart All things work for our good though sometimes we can't see how they could struggles that break our hearts in two sometimes blind us to the truth Our Father knows what's best for us His ways are not our own So when your pathway grows dim, and you just can't see Him Remember you're never alone God is too wise to be mistaken God is too good to be unkind So when you don't understand When you don't see His plan When you can't trace His hand Trust His heart He sees the master plan And He holds our future in His hands So don't live as those who have no hope All our hope is found in Him We see the present clearly But He sees the first and the last And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me to someday be just like Him God is too wise to be mistaken God is too good to be unkind So when you don't understand When you don't see His plan When you can't trace His hand Trust His heart He alone is faithful and true He alone knows what is best for you So when you don't understand When you don't see His plan When you can't trace His hand trust His heart

~Babbie Mason and Eddie Carswell

This song has been a favorite of mine for years, and yesterday on the way home from an extremely difficult morning, the chorus began to run through my head, over and over. I found myself humming it all day and evening. This morning when I woke up, it was still playing in my mind.

Yesterday did not go as I had hoped and prayed. In some ways, it was not nearly as bad as it could have been, but in some ways, it was much worse than I expected. It didn't help that my perspective was very different than that of many other people involved...people whom I care about very much, but who either aren't aware of "the story behind the story" or who are aware, but don't see it through the same eyes we do. The complicated mix of emotions was stirred even more by unsuspecting words on the part of others...I felt as though I were swallowing ground glass as I sat and listened to people describe a version of the situation that was far, far from the truth...and knowing that, at least for the moment, I was powerless to do anything about it.

But...God is still God. He is still good. He is still sovereign and sufficient to meet every need. There has been much in the past two years that I have not understood about God's plan and His work in our lives. And as I told a friend yesterday, "The fact that I don't understand this is no different than all the other things I haven't understood in the past two years." I reminded Billy this morning that two years ago today, on what would turn out to be the worst day of my life before or since, I would *never* have been able to imagine the ways that God has worked in this situation. Yesterday's outcome...although not exactly what I would have chosen...was nothing less than a miracle, considering the bleak outlook from two years ago.

The day for which we waited for almost 18 months has come and gone. I suppose in some respects there has now been some *closure*, although the scars will linger forever, and it will never truly be *over*. I am thankful for an opportunity to begin moving toward a *new normal* in our lives, without the cloud of *waiting* hanging over our heads with every step we take. I am most of all thankful for the lessons God has taught us...and is still teaching us...through all of this...about His love, His goodness, His grace and mercy, and His sovereignty.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
Lamentations 3:21-26

Be on the Lookout...

...for a couple of special posts this week:

1. Book review for this week's blog tour for the book Rest: Living in Sabbath Simplicity, by Keri Wyatt Kent. I'm excited about this book, and this review!

2. It's Mega Memory Month again! This one almost snuck by me, and I haven't decided yet what our memory project for this month will be, so check back soon for "the plan." Ann's Mega Memory Month challenges have been such a blessing to us, as we've learned passages such as the Beatitudes, Psalm 1, and Ephesians 6: 1-9, plus poems such as Robert Louis Stevenson's "My Shadow". To participate in July's challenge, visit Ann Kroeker.

Life Lesson of the Day...

This is my phone. Nothing fancy; I've had it for years and am just thankful every day that it still works. I know that newer phones do lots of exciting things like texting, video, music downloads, even web access...but mine functions just fine for the two purposes for which I use it...talking on the phone, and waking me up in the morning.

Yesterday we went to the library with friends to watch The Tale of Despereaux. (*Very* cute movie, btw. :)) Being the socially responsible (ha!) and super-considerate person that I am, I turned my phone to "vibrate" and stuck it back in my pocket.

Last night I was sitting at my desk, with my phone on a stack of books beside me, when it began to make an odd sound and move of its own volition. I waited for it to ring, and then realized it wasn't going to. I answered the phone and said to my friend, "I still haven't taken my phone off silent; remind me to do that when we finish talking." Unfortunately, before we reached that point, my battery died. And then I had trouble getting my phone to come back on. And then I charged it until I went to bed. And then I stood beside my bed and set the alarm very carefully for this morning.

And then Billy woke up and woke me up and said, "It's past 5:30." And I looked at my phone and sure enough, it was 6:40.

And I tried and tried to figure out what happened, because I KNEW I set my alarm and triple-checked it to make sure it was set correctly for Billy to get up.

And then at 7:30 this morning, I was sitting at my desk when I suddenly realized...

I NEVER TOOK MY PHONE OFF SILENT!!

Life Lesson of the Day:

The alarm works better if you take the phone off silent.

Life works better when you don't oversleep.

Especially two days in a row.

*Sigh*

How Painful Will the Best Be?

“We’re not necessarily doubting

that God will do the best for us;

We are wondering how painful

the best will turn out to be.”
~ C.S. Lewis

I don’t remember where I ran across this quote a while back, but I do remember relating to it immediately.

I thought of it again not long ago when a friend and I were discussing the “pat answers” people sometimes give to those going through hard times…

“Don’t worry; God is in control.”
“God is working everything out for good.”
“God will protect them.”

There is nothing wrong with those phrases. They are very true. And sometimes they are actually encouraging.:-) The trouble is, as some have experienced, despite the fact that they are *true*, there are times when they aren’t necessarily *comforting*…at least at first glance.

From childhood, one of my favorite verses was Romans 8:28:

“And we know that God causes

all things to work together for good

to those who love God,

to those who are called according to His purpose.”

It is still one of my favorite verses. But over the years, I have realized that God’s definition of “good” and mine are not always the same. In fact, they are often *very* different.

As a child, I blithely believed that that verse meant that although I might be unhappy about the circumstances of the moment, God would give a happy ending. As I got older, I developed at least a head knowledge that those endings wouldn’t always necessarily be happy, although they would be good for us.

Three years ago this week, we encountered a situation that I couldn’t see as good in ANY way, shape, or form. After the initial shock subsided a bit, I began to argue with God…to throw verses about His sovereignty, His goodness, His protection, and His love back in His face. I struggled with everything I had ever been taught, with everything that three years ago *today* I would have said I believed with all my heart.

I still have a hard time labeling that situation as “good”. And yet, as I posted here, God has taught me all over again, in a much deeper, more certain way, that what His word says is TRUE…no matter how hard it is to understand sometimes. I have learned to see that what Satan intends for evil, God intends for good. (Gen. 50:20) I have learned that no matter HOW painful the situation, God’s plan is still “best” for us.

I can truly say that I am thankful for that “best” even when that “best” comes nowhere close to the “happy endings” I imagined as a child. I wouldn't give up the things God has taught me about Himself and His Word through this situation for anything. The deeper, more intimate relationship with Him...not only for us, but that we are beginning to see in our children...is worth all of the pain of the last three years.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this quote in the comments!

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In "Other" Words...Coming Soon!!

If you are here this morning looking for this week's In "Other" Words post, it will be up shortly. It was almost ready to post last night...just needed to finalize a few things and I would have it posted by 6. I wasn't counting on a child being up most of the night, and my sweet husband deciding I needed to sleep in this morning, since I had actually just gone to sleep when the alarm went off. :-D I *am* thankful for the *extra* sleep (very), but now running a bit behind! I apologize for any inconvenience...please check back in a bit!

In "Other" Words...Tuesday's Quote

I'm so excited to be guest hosting (hostessing? hmmm...) next week's In "Other" Words. I can't wait to read others' thoughts on Tuesday's quote, and I hope that some of you who haven't participated in In "Other" Words before will jump in and share your thoughts, too!

Tuesday's quote is a recent favorite of mine from C. S. Lewis:

“We’re not necessarily

doubting

that God will do the best for us;

we are wondering how

painful

the best will turn out to be.”
~ C.S. Lewis

To participate in In "Other" Words, share your thoughts about the quote on your blog on Tuesday, and come back here to leave the link to your post. Then visit other IOW participants for their take on the quote. You do not have to have participated before to post...and if you don't have a blog and would like to share, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments on Tuesday's In "Other" Words post.

Many thanks to Loni at Writing Canvas for giving me the opportunity to guest hostess and for organizing In "Other" Words each week! Visit her blog for more information on In "Other" Words, and while you are there, be sure to check out her give-away for the book Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner (as well as her review of the book!) I loved last week's quote from the book, and can't wait to read the whole thing.

VBS Musings…

This is one of those posts I composed in my mind weeks ago and then never had a chance to actually sit down and type.  It is also one of those posts that I think God has prevented me from having time to type out because He knew that I needed to be thinking on these thoughts *today*…and that if I had already posted them, they would more than likely be “out of sight, out of mind”. 

 

Several weeks ago, during a VBS training session, Lyndel asked us to share VBS memories, either from our own childhoods, or from our experiences as adults as teachers and workers.  I didn’t share, because I couldn’t….I literally had an explosion of VBS memories invade my mind, and had to really focus on just staying “composed”.

 

My VBS experiences as a child were incredible.  Our church didn’t use a canned “curriculum”…or if they did, it was completely unrecognizable as one by the time they finished with it. :)  My friend Susan’s mom was *the* most creative mom and amazing teacher anywhere…so we always had the *best* VBS classes. :)

 

The year I remember most vividly was the year we studied the tabernacle.  My dad worked for a corrugated box company at the time, and we had individual corrugated tabernacles, mounted on cardboard bases, for each child.  During the week, as we learned about each part of the tabernacle, we “decorated” our tabernacle…making various pieces out of small boxes, clay, or other materials and carefully positioning them in just the right spots.  We also had a huge “to scale” tabernacle model (also made of corrugated cardboard) in one of the hallways, which we could actually walk through.  I still remember being so awed…that VBS made such an impact on my view of the holiness and glory of God.   I cannot imagine the hours Jenny Oliver, my parents, and several others put into making that week happen. 

 

My thoughts then jumped to VBS memories as an adult.  *Lots* of memories of things I learned (as a teacher :)) from the character curriculum we used to use.  And then the memory that always pushes its way in when I begin to get stressed about VBS…

 

When I was growing up, my mom almost always taught in VBS, but my dad, while he was often very involved in the preparation for VBS (i.e. the building of the tabernacle), was always working during the actual week.  When they moved to Fort Smith and joined Oak Cliff, however, he was retired, and one of the things he enjoyed the most was being able to work in VBS each summer, and he worked until he literally could no longer get out of his chair and go.

 

The year before he died, I was at Mother and Daddy’s house one day, and was at that point when my VBS “to do” list was completely overwhelming.  I was fussing and fuming about all I had to do for VBS, when my dad very quietly said, “I wish I could work in VBS this year.”    I felt like I had been hit between the eyes with a 2x4.   I realized that what I had been looking at as a drudgery…just another thing to eat up my already limited time and energy…was actually a privilege and blessing, and that there are many…those with health issues, like my dad, and working parents…who would love to be able to work in VBS but can’t.  It changed my attitude about VBS that year really quickly.

 

I was then almost assaulted by another VBS memory…this one a few years later.  It was an odd memory, in that I actually remember almost nothing about that year’s VBS.  A few random things stick out in my mind, but for the most part, that year is a blur.  The week before VBS that year was literally the worst week of my entire life.   An extended family situation had blown up and the fallout had become intensely horrific and personal.  I remember telling a friend “There is no way I can do VBS this year.  How in the world can I go teach Bible School when I can barely function well enough to get out of bed in the morning and make sure everyone has food three times a day?”

 

But…at that late date, I really had no choice, and I knew that the best thing for the kids was to keep things as normal as possible.  That was the week I literally lived Romans 8:26-27.  I couldn’t pray…I couldn’t form coherent thoughts.  I knew that a couple of close friends were praying for me, but all I could manage was “I can’t do this God…I can’t do it.”  And while I remember very little from that week, I do know this…I got through it.  God carried me through every moment of that week.  My children had a wonderful week of Bible School, and I didn’t once have a meltdown in front of my class (one of my big worries). 

 

As I sat in that meeting a few weeks ago, I thought of all the things that were worrying me about this year’s VBS…the fact that neither of the two people I usually depend on most are going to be there this year, the rather weak crafts curriculum and my own current creative slump, etc….and suddenly realized God was saying, “I carried you through VBS 2006, don’t you think I can get you through this year as well??”

 

I started this post days ago, was interrupted, and never got back to it.  Again…I think that was Divine Interruption.  Unfinished posts tend to nag at me, meaning that this post has been on my mind all week.  And again…I needed to be pondering these things.  Over the weekend a health issue I thought was resolved reappeared, knocking me off my feet physically and emotionally.  How in the world would I manage prep day on Saturday…much less a week of VBS??  Monday we were faced with the prospect of no AC in our classroom (and others).  ACK…with 110 heat index predicted??!!

 

God has shown me throughout this week, again, the truth of 2 Cor. 12:9-10:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

Despite much that has not been smooth “behind the scenes”, my experience in VBS this year has been one of the smoothest ever so far.  I am thankful (most of the time :)) for the opportunity to work in VBS.  I am very thankful for all those who have worked and are working so hard this week to make this an exciting, meaningful experience for my children.   I am extremely thankful for my husband (who volunteered to take over the cooking all week!) and for all the ways he picks  up the slack during weeks like this.  And I am most thankful that God *always* shows Himself faithful to provide *all* that we need for what He has called us to do.